Chapter 2, She moved out - I win! I think

[SH_]

SadHub:

You are so right and I must admit that trying to anticipate what anyone is going to do is a fools game - no matter what the relationship - Spouse, parent, co-worker, etc. All we can do is do what we think is best and stay the course.

HERE IS MY CONFUSION.

When I read DB and DR - in particular the chapters on 180 and LRT the idea of not doing more of the same really resonated with me. I realized that 48 years of bad behaviour/habits, etc is the reason I'm in the boat I'm in.

I loved the idea of doing everything differently and certainly showing my WAW/WW that my GAL is permanent and I'll be OK without her. What I understand from reading those chapters - 100's of times is that doing the opposite/unexpected could break the patterns of the past. If the patterns break the WW/WAW might have a second look. Also, once I have "transformed" myself - I would want,need different things from my spouse.

So I embarked on that journey. My longtime listeners have tracked my GAL and even my WAW/WW has noticed that the man in front of her is not the man she decided to leave months ago.

So this is where I need help - and yes you and the entire community is providing it. When faced with a changing situation - I often fall back on bad behaviour. Thanks to help from you and so many others - I get ideas on how to change myself - hence implement my 180/LRT.

Is that making sense? I need to keep trying different things to see what works and along the way make myself and my kids happy too.

As you all know - I have a host of new skills - cooking, gardening. I don't ask her/rely on her for anything. My kid needs baked goods for the Sunday School bake sale - I did it. My W is an expert baker. We went on without her.

I would have waited and waited and waited to get a motorcycle. Now I have one.

So here I am with a WW/WAW who just moved out, her kids are thriving, they don't want to see her at their home. How do I take this changing situation and continue to change the relationship dynamics? I will stay the course - and thanks for the reminder about trying to anticipate her response and or control her actions. But how do I ramp up my 180/LRT?

bigy,

If I may, you may be asking the wrong question. You indicate that you have read the chapter on the 180 and LR 100's of times. Your actions and energy certainly show that you have focused on this and set an example for all that are following you.
But the part of the same chapter, that I do not see much of in your story is the "Wait and watch". MWD indicates that it can take one month or more for every year married to see any potential.
You are doing and doing and asking for more things to do. One might start to wonder are you just jumping from one thing to another? Is this creating a change in you, or simply keeping you busy? If you do a 180 long enough it becomes a 360 right? Now that is a literal interpretation, but my point is, stick to some of the things you have done for the 180 until they are a permanent part of your being. A lot of what you have done are outward actions and behaviors.
I might suggest that you are at a point where a focus on inward parts of you can use some tuning up.
Things like Forgiveness. Selflessness. Love. Respect. Service. Happiness. Confidence. Respect. Kindness. Compassion.
There are actions that we do for these, but the truth in our hearts is key.
For example, I say that I forgive my W for what she is doing. But then I catch my self cursing her name when she does something that bothers me.
I say that I feel sad for the struggles that she is going through. But then I find myself doing something that I know will anger her.
Have I really changed inwardly?

My point is, you may need to start looking inside at this point. Go back and read your posts. Are you really "winning" because the kids take your side? What are you winning?


MWD is very specific the there is no magic bullet when doing the LRT. If I understand now, your W is moved out and that is after all that you have done, correct? I am not trying to say that there is not still chance that she will take notice and become interested, but time is what you have now. See number one of mandatory do's when divorce busting.
I would challenge you to evaluate the things that you are doing and see how they are helping you. Because ultimately as we study DB/DR, once we are at the LRT stage, the process is more about getting us in a good place than saving the MR.


You can not change the relationship dynamics right now. You can only continue to change you. Make that your motto my friend and you will seal the deal and then it is up to her to decide if she is interested in R the MR.