continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[SH_]

Good evening Phoebe.
So I replied to this last night and then lost it all. Sound familiar. Anyway, I feel inspired to reply to this for a couple of reasons, that hopefully I can convey in a clear manner.

"Amy, wait. Don't cry. Did you see how you landed? No human lands on all fours like that. Amy, I think this means you're a unicorn." - Shawn Achor

Oh, it still isn't my thing, SH!!! Thank you for the praise, though.

Oh, but Phoebe! It is your thing, and I will continue to sing you praises and let me share why.

I mean, the walking friend hit on me the first time I met her, and the biking/L potential friend is male.

And this is exactly why it is your thing. You have made such great efforts to step outside of your comfort zone to attend things with a vast array of people that you were bound to run into folks and make friends with such people. I mean, if I told you these were the folks you would meet and make a connection with, would you have stepped out of your comfort zone? Seriously you will look back on this some day and giggle

Danger, Will Rogers!

I love the movie quote, but, c'mon now. What danger is there in your relationship with these individuals? I have not heard any danger in your posts in your interaction with them. Heck, I think you will look back on this someday and get a chuckle out of it. And who is to say a nice friendship does not blossom with them. I mean, if I am reading correctly you are continuing to spend some time with them correct?

I am so incredibly naive in this department! I mean, I met H as a kid, really, and I've been out of the whole singles scene for my entire adult life. I never really learned how to navigate the waters.

Are you really so naive when it comes to meeting people? I think we are all a little naive ,but isn't that part of the process. I don't think there is a manual to how one goes about meeting and "navigating" interactions with others. Yes, I understand the hesitation for you, for me, for anyone one that has not been single for so long to think of it as a world different than we are accustomed to, but, what is the single scene really, other than people like you and me. Some may have been single for a long time, some may be in our situation, divorced, chronic dater, etc. But in the end they are all just people, like you and me. Right?

I'm looking for friendship, and only friendship, but that may, or may not be what another person has in mind. I've lost any skill I once has in recognizing the difference. I thought by focusing on meeting women that I could eliminate any potential romantic issues, but even there I ran into deep water. I am astounding unsure of how to proceed. No way am I interested in anything romantic with anyone, but I do need and want friendship. I'm good at talking to people one on one, but dealing with these underlying currents... Not so much.

So you are looking for friendship. Easy enough. How do you know what the other person has in mind? Well, I know you know the answer to this, but I will state it for the purpose of making my points here (and I like to hear my self talk. LOL).
You talk with them. You state your intentions and ask about theirs. Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't you have this conversation with your walking friend who hit on you? And you are still meeting up with her, correct? It appears that you have navigated this pretty darn well to me. You, my dear Phoebe, have dealt with the underlying currents like a champ.

It doesn't help that for my whole life I have always 'clicked' better with men than women. I'm just not at all girly, so a lot of common feminine subjects don't resonate with me. I've never had a manicure, and I don't like shopping. I wouldn't recognize a Jimmy Choo if someone hit me over the head with one. My first best friend was a boy! It's the reason I was so bonded to H, and also a big reason I have had so few friends over the years. Marriage makes opposite gender friendships risky.

Anyway, I have a lot to learn about making friends, that's for certain. Fodder for therapy, I suspect.

It also does not hurt that you have clicked with men better than women. I know plenty of women like that and you will run into them as you continue to make contacts. I would also venture to say this is not why you have had so few friends, as you say in your life. That is probably more because of your connection to one person at a time. This is not necessarily a good or bad thing, it is more of an introvert thing. But even as introverts, we have decision each day if we will attempt to make connections socially. And you are doing that now as I read from your posts.
You may or may not have a lot to learn about making friends, but I do know the best way to learn anything. It is to get doing it. And again, you are doing it, right?

So now I want to wrap up my rebuttals to you post here, and I want to do it by asking you to hang up the phone with "evil Phoebe" because you are ruminating way to much on the past and the hurt from relationships and or rejection you have experienced.
Your post is all about rumination and "evil Phoebe" telling you things that you would not let a friend tell you. So my responses are the ones that I would give you when you call me so that you can see things in a positive light. I am the "good" friend

And now, as you know I like to challenge myself and my friends so that we can progress and become a better version of ourselves.
So my challenge to you is to read this from Shawn Achor's Ted Talk,

Phoebe, wait. Don't cry. Did you see how you landed? No human lands on all fours like that. Phoebe, I think this means you're a unicorn."- Shawn Achor

Now take your post here, and re write it, but do it from a positive self talk point of view.
Do not let "evil Phoebe" have a say.
You can indicate facts, but follow it up with what you have successfully done, or plan to do to be successful.

Will you take my challenge? Will you take a different view point on this post and then post it for us to see? For you to see?

Phoebe, you are handling things so well, and you are accomplishing things that seem so difficult for you, and I hope that you can see the awesomeness that you are exuding.
Because I see it, and so do many others that are following your story here.
Remember, that you are and will do what your thoughts are and indicate to you. You own this.

(((Phoebe)))

I hope it has been a good day for you. You have earned it.