What Should I be doing (4)

[sandi2]

I agree with Rose. This has been building inside your own brain, and waiting for the least the little thing to set off your explosion.

I am not saying her response did not have some undertones. My question is did you and your W discuss this when you were telling her what you would need from her in addition to transparency?

I think if she has always joked with others (including men on FB), then she probably thought nothing of what she said back to the guy. Truthfully, just based on what you quoted, I did not think it deemed the display of outcry it received from you.....and I am usually the one who is quick to say "no-no, this isn't appropriate".

As I said, I've have seen this building in you. Now you've opened up the floodgates, what are you going to do? My suggestion is to calm down, first of all. Make a decision that in the future you will not immediately contact your W about any messages you see, and you give yourself hours and hours to calm down before you fly off the handle. You could have presented it here before jumping her, and saved yourself a lot of regret. (I can identify with quick reactions, b/c it has always been a problem for me, too. However, it can sure make matters worse).

I think when you calm down that you should choose a good time to approach her and tell her why you flew off the handle and saw the FB message as flirtatious. As the DR book says, when both spouses have agreed to work on the M, the betrayed spouse should speak up and say what he needs from his W for reassurance.

Your trust was betrayed and you are raw with pain and mistrust. You are wanting to out the A to the W of OM......and not for a minute do I think it's just for his W's feelings. If it had not been with your wife, you wouldn't think of contacting the OM's W. It could be the final straw to your own M, so my advice is not to make any further moves right now.

I'm sorry, but I think you want revenge in some form. You want somebody punished for the betrayal, and OM is the one you want to suffer (which stands to reason) but how will it affect your own MR? If you had not had all of this on your mind for several days, I wonder if you would have exploded on your W.

You are just beginning to taste how difficult piecing can be. I strongly urge you to find an excellent family therapist who deals with healing from affairs. I think your W would have been willing to go with you. I don't know if she will now, but maybe. I'm afraid the two of you won't make it if you don't seek help. In this case, I'm afraid you will be the reason for the M not making it, instead of your W.

She knows you are angry and looking for her to stub her toe and a reason to get the heck out of Dodge. Now listen, when you thought she might want another man, you wanted her badly! You were ready to look the other way as long as the two of you weren't fighting, remember? And now......you feel like outing her about the A and threatening to leave over what you thought was a flirty FB message. ((hugs))