So true!! Snooping is addictive I feel your pain on that one for sure It's a big reason I'm back here a second time My wife was an open book after the we reconciled. But I still had a problem completely letting it go. It made me realtor how controlling I really was Scary to think that by controlling my environment and could keep from being hurt again It's silly when I think about it now
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I've read that in a healthy relationship the typical reaction to being accused of cheating is generally they seek to prove they are not, to offer assurances, reassert their feelings for the spouse, etc.
When someone is cheating, they tend to try and deny, make excuses, deflect blame, make the accuser feel like they are crazy, etc.
My WW definitely followed that pattern, and eventually the truth was bore out by evidence.
Sorry, but threatening to move in with an ex-boyfriend is not a normal healthy response to a spouse raising concerns!
My WW response fit this to a tee, said we've been together 8 years, now your going through whatever your going through and you think I'm cheating; I've never cheated in my life, what makes u think I would now, etc... Never once said anything close to I'm your wife and I love you, I would never cheat on you.
Anyone know someone in a healthy R that can test what their S response would be, lol... Would be interesting to see the response, but probably not worth the fallout...
1 day down, no snooping and 1 social activity under under my belt..
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Snooping is addictive and has no place in a healthy R/M. IMO snooping should only be used to determine if something is going on. Once confirmed snooping has served its purpose. Afterwards it is time to put a boundary in place, a time for action.
But most of us are not in a healthy R and unfortunately snooping can be justified. But one should be aware exactly why they snoop.That is important as a compulsive addictive behaviour is not the same as self protection.
In your case snooping should not be snooping. You should be working towards rebuilding trust. Part of that is verification that you are not being played or lied to. The transparency plan is for both your sakes. It helps her be accountable and prove she is trustworthy.Trust has to be earned. Verification also shows that you are no doormat and are serious about your boundaries.
The difference between snooping and verification is also a mindset. Maybe you need to work on your thinking in relation to this. There are resources on the web that can help with that.
You are in a great position to save your M. Give yourself the tools to achieve that.RReconciliation istough from what I understand.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Mine says... we've been together for 10 years and why would i throw that away. I'm married and married woman don't cheat... And this is after she comes in at 6am. LOL
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Want to hear something crazy? A short back story: 8 years ago my exH left me for is AP. They are married now. So, I've been over him for a long time. I've been in the dating game for a while.
The one thing I do not freak out about is cheating. I never snooped on a guy to see if he was, it was seriously my last concern. I never wanted to spoil something good with those worries.
My thoughts? If he's going to do it, he is going to do it. I can't stop him, I can't control it, and if it is a choice of his, then we weren't meant to be. (different with an actual spouse in that sense)Eventually, the truth always comes out and that's when I would deal with it.
Of course it being your spouse you are trying to reconcile with is a little different than dating. But driving yourself nuts all the time might take away from the good, positive stuff.
Unless you feel that true gut feeling she is doing something bad, try to avoid it and focus on the good.
Let me see if I can explain where I am as far as verifying/snooping.
I believe 100% that I need to verify, I backed off my total NC boundary, so that means that the OM and my W still have at least some contact at the fire station. They are not there together all the time, but there is still some contact (even if it is only visual contact). I will verify to make sure I am not creating hope for a future MR when there are 3 people in it.
But, I think I allowed my verifying go on cruise control, when I decided I wouldn't verify for one week, I caught myself opening the "find my iPhone" app to see if she was where she told me she was, although I didn't do the search yesterday. That's where I think I crossed the line from verifying to snooping, and I don't want to live that way. I believe snooping is a level that almost turns into controlling, like I want to dictate where she is and for how long, even though I'm not deciding where she goes, I insert myself almost to the point that I'm there with her.
I have been open with her when I verify, I tell her what I did and what I saw, but there have been a couple of times that I've felt I've done more verifying than I really need to do to ensure she's not communicating with OM.
I will continue to verify, but i want to do it sporadically, and smartly, when I think would be the best opportunity for her to communicate with OM, and verify that she isn't. But I don't want it to consume me, so for now I will take at minimum this week (not gonna tell her that plan) focusing on me and then see where I'm at. In other words, I want to use verifying to confirm my trust, I don't want to snoop so I feel like I can trust, I want to trust first.
Now, as for today, I'm Angry again, angry at what she's done and the pain she has caused. I struggle everyday about notifying OM W, still wondering if I should let her know. Also, I have decided to detach physically from my wife, I don't wanna snuggle with someone who is not attracted to me, so I'm going to do what I can to keep myself from snuggling with her.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
You are acting on your feelings.TThat is understandable.But feelings change and hence should not be the basis of your actions. Think this through more, please. I am not saying you need to snuggle but you need to be sure it is in your bests interest.
Your W cannot give you what you want right now. You feel rejected and hurt by this. You feel pathetic to give affection that is nit reciprocated.These feelings are normal and justified. I am sure you feel much mote than that. But try to remove your feelings from your decisions and your actions.
Work towards a better R, not away from a bad one.
Have you had any fun today? Did you laugh today? Any fin plans lined up?
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Just a question. Do you want to let OM's W to know for her sake, or do you want to punish OM?
I ask, because in the process of punishing the OM, you may hurt his wife. She may very well know, may be dealing with it in her own way, she may be turning a blind eye to it, who knows. Or she may know nothing. But if your purpose is to hurt OM, please don't do it. If you truly want to do it just for the sake of OM's W, then I would think it through first on how you are going to act.
Sometimes when we want to hurt someone who hurts us, we hurt innocent people in the process.
