What Should I be doing (4)

[Coconut]

Let me see if I can explain where I am as far as verifying/snooping.

I believe 100% that I need to verify, I backed off my total NC boundary, so that means that the OM and my W still have at least some contact at the fire station. They are not there together all the time, but there is still some contact (even if it is only visual contact). I will verify to make sure I am not creating hope for a future MR when there are 3 people in it.

But, I think I allowed my verifying go on cruise control, when I decided I wouldn't verify for one week, I caught myself opening the "find my iPhone" app to see if she was where she told me she was, although I didn't do the search yesterday. That's where I think I crossed the line from verifying to snooping, and I don't want to live that way. I believe snooping is a level that almost turns into controlling, like I want to dictate where she is and for how long, even though I'm not deciding where she goes, I insert myself almost to the point that I'm there with her.

I have been open with her when I verify, I tell her what I did and what I saw, but there have been a couple of times that I've felt I've done more verifying than I really need to do to ensure she's not communicating with OM.

I will continue to verify, but i want to do it sporadically, and smartly, when I think would be the best opportunity for her to communicate with OM, and verify that she isn't. But I don't want it to consume me, so for now I will take at minimum this week (not gonna tell her that plan) focusing on me and then see where I'm at. In other words, I want to use verifying to confirm my trust, I don't want to snoop so I feel like I can trust, I want to trust first.

Now, as for today, I'm Angry again, angry at what she's done and the pain she has caused. I struggle everyday about notifying OM W, still wondering if I should let her know. Also, I have decided to detach physically from my wife, I don't wanna snuggle with someone who is not attracted to me, so I'm going to do what I can to keep myself from snuggling with her.