Help My MLC/Nice Guy is a Foreigner!

[jamaica]

Blu and Cadet
Thanks for the support. I have read DR several times now and many other books, listened to tapes, done other "save your marriage programs" spent too much $$$ BUT I have learned plenty about myself and my H. Interesting the one of the thing that has struck me most deeply and the reason I post now was Blu's comment on the NICE GUY SYNDROME. It took me this long to realize that was probably the crux of our problem from the very beginning. Subconsciously I recognized it when I said to my dad before we got married "I'm not sure if he's strong enough to be married to me." but I loved his sweetness and smile and thought he'd just grow into more honestly this will sound stereotypical but "manly strength" and he did not. I became less attracted to him. Instead he sought out emotional and physical support elsewhere and he'd lied and lied and lied.

He told me about the A about 4 months into BD. I had asked repeatedly when it went from I'm thinking of leaving to cold and ice when he returned from a trip to Europe. Little did I know that she lived there and was waiting for him. He then must have felt justified in going whole hog into his R with her. He disappeared at New Years and I caught him in his lies. He came back and swore he was returned. It was on and off back and forth for the next 6 months until last summer when he took the kids to Europe and then I joined them. He gave me the impression that he wanted me on the trip; we were happy and back together. We made love the first night and then he said he never wanted me there at all. We slowly pieced together a truce for the trip and I thought we had some of the most honest conversations about our relationship we've ever had. I was impressed by his honesty and strength and for the first time in a long while felt stirrings of deep attraction for him. However we returned from Europe to the news his BFF had walked out on his W of 17 years to move in with his A partner, leave his 3 kids to be with hers. He moved out of our bedroom two days later. He took off his ring and moved into his own apartment 2 .5 months later.

Currently No lawyers, no custody papers, no $$ divided. But lately he has said repeatedly he's going to file. We were living up until truly 3 weeks ago like he was just living in different room. He says the kids seem fine. I said of course they do. We are not screaming at each other and you are around with us all the time at least until recently. If you think the kids are not affected its only because they spend 90% of their time with me and they are talking to me. When they are with him he just buys them stuff.

Tonight I put my foot down and at the risk of being exactly predictable for him. I refused to let him take the kids to Europe with him. He wanted to normalize his relationship with her with them and all be "together". It is his vacation with the kids. He can do what he wants, he says. I said no actually you can't. He said I'm making this all about me. I said I'm not, I'm looking out for the children's well being and welfare and their emotional health now and years from now. They are not meeting someone with whom you are having an A and further more they are not hanging around all the people you are with in Europe who are also having As and do not respect M nor their commitments. I sound like an old fuddy dudy.


He was mad at me and tried to draw me into the usual arguments. I declined. Do I want my marriage to work out yes and no. Yes I'd like to remain married for my children, for my pride for basic ease in life and because I believe life is a journey and love changes and grows and can improve and can get better and can thrive; now truly if I'm honest I only want to be married IF he is more conscious, aware, courageous, and really trying. Do I want to be married to him as he was and is "Hell No." I need a different guy to show up to the party. He keeps saying over and over again. I will never understand him he needs tenderness. Our relationship was too practical too functional. We didn't like to spend time together. He needs to feel loved and he didn't from me and now its too late. He feels nothing for me..so he has moved on. I told him to go enjoy his two weeks with her alone. Two weeks ago I could not feel the kind of clarity, two days ago I probably still would have been weeping as I penned these sentences.

I married him for a reason. He is smart, very good looking, funny, said all the right things, he said he'd be there and he was, he said he'd call and he did and he was/is a lot of fun. He lacks emotional courage. His parents left he and his sister to be the caretakers for their own emotional health. He internalized it all trying to people please his way through women, didn't learn how to talk about his needs, thinks it should be unconscious etc etc etc.

I wish I knew what would happen. I will accept any recommendations for further reading particularly on this personality type or advice on what I should be doing now. It just seems like I just wait. I have trouble waiting.