Not sure where to go from here

[inpain]

Thanks Natus, Ciluzen and Irish, I appreciate your words so much!

I don't really feel any calmer than when I posted the other day, despite GAL a lot with my kids (it's a school half term holiday here).

As much as you have no control over your H, you do have control over you and to a large extent, your reactions. I think because we are in crisis mode, we start worrying about every little reaction and how it will affect our H's behavior. We are trying to do things that only have what we perceive to be a positive effect on our H, with hopes that they will eventually add up and turn our H back to us. That hope carries so much weight that when what H does doesn't fall into line the way WE want, we fall apart because we "did everything right". Well, stop that nonsense. Because that's what this is...nonsense. There is no "right".

Thank you Ciluzen, I needed to read this. You are spot on with what you say here and it describes exactly how I'm feeling!

Stand back and look at what you have. You have two beautiful children. You have parents who are there for you and those children. You have a job and a work history. You have a home that your H has left you in...but you are in. You have started some attempts to GAL. This is you right now. Where will you be in 6 mos?

I do have so much to be thankful for you are right (again :)) and I know H is losing so much more than me. Where will I be in 6 months? I'm terrified of where I'll be. All I can see in my future is my devastated self hugging and crying myself to sleep because I've had to spend the weekend without my babies while they are with their Dad. That's all I can think about, the whole access thing. My children are with me all the time and we do everything together. We have spent the majority of their lives going out and about without H due to his, quite frankly, appalling shift times. No matter how I try to look at it (that they need to see their Dad, etc, etc) I just cannot get past the unbearable heartache and stomach churning sickness it gives me. I don't want to spend a day without my kids and it is all I can think about.

My posts probably read like I am not trying, but I really am, I put so much effort into being happy every single day, but I am struggling now to see which direction to go with my DBing. I can't go dark and NC because of the kids. Help?!

This is an example of H these days. Yesterday he came round for an hour and didn't talk to me, then as he went to leave he told me he wasn't ignoring me he just didn't know what to say to me. He said his head is a big mess from it all.

Today he text 'Are you in or out?' at 7:20pm. I replied with 'In'. He replied 'OK'. That was it. Twenty minutes later he walked in and sat in 'his' chair in the sitting room. He didn't speak to anyone. S was playing a game and D and I were playing a game together. They didn't acknowledge he had walked in and neither did I. Not sure if that's the right way to go but I find it rude that he just walks in without even greeting any of us. After thirty minutes or more S spoke to H and H announced he had to leave to go to work! So his entire visit today lasted about 50 minutes, spent in silence. What is the point?!

Any suggestions on where to go with this situation?

You H will blame you if he wants to blame you . You can't avoid it.

If my D's called my mom about me if say great. You son did well. He felt uneasy after sharing words with his dad and your S needed to feel safe. Your moms is the best lave to be. Under normal conditions your H would of had a discussion with his son an dnot have a heated moment.

Don't take it on you. Your H is to blame and he's projecting it on you. Step back and look at it again.

Thank you for this ^^ Irish! H has a great skill of being able to make me believe everything is my fault. He is a genius at it! Thank you for pointing out to me how he is projecting, I can see it when you point it out! H is certainly blaming me for everything at the moment. It is my fault he left. His EA/PA? and the associated lack of trust has nothing to do with it. It was one tiny mistake (according to him, which isn't even accurate, it is at least three HUGE mistakes!). He is totally blameless and smells of roses. I, on the other hand, am a horrible person through and through. I know this because he told me on Sunday! He says he shouldn't get as angry with me as he does and that is why we will never work. What is terribly sad is that he cannot see that it is not just me he gets so angry with. His anger is a problem in him and will not go away just because he divorces me. Maybe he is in MLC after all to not be able to see this.

It does get better I promiss :-)

Can I just skip to the part where it is better please?! I want to get off this particular train.