Job, thanks for taking the time to look for NGU's threads, I was and I am curious how things develop with MLC once you are divorced. My situation w/XH is a little confusing since we are divorced here but married in my country of origin. Somehow it keeps playing between us that comes up in our conversations about family. Really awkward.
Sotto, I tried my best many times and failed big way. But, lately I have been able to keep my cool. I do not feel anxious anymore and literally do not give much attention to XH as well. I am polite and almost caring, but I am disconnected, on my own kind of way.
GG he is struggling, and as much I want to pretend that he is living La Vida Louca, it's not true. He seems what he says, that he is living a day at a time.
So graduation week came and XH was traveling out of state from Monday to Wednesday. He called S18 on Wednesday late afternoon, just before we left for Senior Night and said that he could not be there because he was flying home and would get to Denver too late to attend the ceremony. S18 got very upset, told me that this graduation stuff was all a bunch of bull and that he did not care for it at all.
I was patient, listen to all what he had to say and said that I was there and that I care for all his accomplishments. S18 did well, graduate w/a 4.1 GPA and got the maximum award of excellency in academics. And his dad wasn't there...
Well, graduation day and when I was just leaving for the big ceremony on Saturday morning, I got a message from XH asking if I could bring him a chair and if he could help with the party later on. I just answered that yes, I could do it and that help was welcome.
He attended the ceremony, he hugged me and congratulate me for my kid and I did the same. I sat a little far from him and decide to make believe that he was invisible. Later we took some pictures and then I told S18 I would wait for him after he picked up his papers and left to talk to some girlfriends.
Later I was coming back from the store and XH was already at my house. He got there around 1:30pm. He helped a lot and it was like the old times. Since I was busy, I did not care much about anything.
Then I asked him to get some more ice from the supermarket and when he come back he had a gorgeous spring bouquet. He walked to me and said that he would like to give me that because I am the best. The best mom, best person he ever known.
He said that he is amazed of how hard I worked to put the party together and how much he was proud of me. I did not get emotional at all. I was happy with the flowers, I smiled happy and I said thank you so much for such gorgeous flowers and that I was doing it all for my son. That he is a good kid and deserve it. He said: "Of course, but our kids are very luck for having such great mom".
I put the flowers in my favorite blue vase and told him I loved them and they were amazing.
We worked a little more and then our guest were arriving. During the party he talked to my friends and I also met some of his new friends. Everything was fine, he was time to time looking for me, talking to me, chasing me around. Funny that sometimes we could just look at each other and no words were necessary for us to know what we meant. Still some things are there.
It was late night and he was still there helping to put some things away. I had some friends that were there to help to clean up a bit. At some point we decided to go to a soccer game between Brazil and Panama the next day and it was all too crazy. Big commotion about the game. XH was an outsider and I am sure he felt exactly that way.
This time I did nothing to change that. I just let go and was happy with my kids and friends. This is what he want, this is what he gets.
He walked in circles for awhile and then decided to leave. He said goodbye to everyone and I was sitting laughing my lungs out with so much crazy talk with the kids and friends and did not move. He came and asked me if he could talk to me. I walked outside with him and then he thanked me another million times and hugged me very tight. He kissed my chic a million times too.
I gave him a good hug and said that I appreciated his help and it was our life saver that he was here to help. He said he did nothing much, that he needed to help more. I said that he did what he could and that was good.
Then I said: Well, you drive safe and have a good night. I did not make any move to talk more with him, did not show any sign of love and care. It was just that, a neighbor that was leaving.
I always had a hard time to understand how can one be detached and still love that person and now I totally get it. It is a hard thing to explain, it is more like the way you feel about someone. You love the person, but you know you can go on without that person.
And I think now he can feel that too. I know it bothers him, he is confused with what he sees and feel.
One time during the party he asked me to add some more food to one of my main dish and as I was doing it he said: "Pink, I still love you so much, you have no idea". Then I said: "No I have no idea and I do not want to think about it either. Stop with the BS because you left me and I do not want to talk about." He asked me do not do this to him, that it was not fair with him, and I looked at him and said that it is what it is XH, you wanted it, now you have it.
Then I walked away like nothing happen.
Well, I do not know what is what, whom is whom, where, why. I just don't really think much anymore. I know I love him, but now I also know he left me. I just do what Job said. Let go, let God. I just put it all in my Lord's hands and let him deal with it all.
What is going to happen, I don't know. I just know that I have dreams, plans, goals to reach and I will walk that path for myself. I matter, I am a nice person and I have a lot of respect for whom I am.
So, I would say that DB works for me. I am a better me, I am beautiful and I like it.
At the Brasil soccer game I dressed up as a canary. Yellow shirt, flag bandana and my huge flag on my back. I screamed and danced the whole time. It was amazing and I had a lot of fun with my kids.
Again, and again I have to say thank you for all the support, I am a better person because all of you and your great advices.
We will see where life will take me next, for now I am still breathing and loving it.
