Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 2

[PsySara]

So I texted H this morning that I wanted to call. He texted back to call him. Initially he was very defensive and wanted to know how I knew when his vacation was scheduled and how I knew he volunteered to work extra hours. I told him we'd discuss that later. At this moment I wanted to discuss the fact I was thinking of scheduling an intensive session with MWD for two days in Boulder and wanted to know if he would be agreeable to accompany me. (this was suggested by Virginia at the DB office) I told him I would prefer him to come so she would have a more complete picture before giving direction but his presence was not required. He hemmed and hawed, demanded to know how I would arrange childcare etc., and then said he wasn't interested "in some marriage counselor telling him how he messed up." I told him this wasn't MC but more of a person to offer me guidance and solution focus when it comes to making decisions. He refused. At this time I haven't scheduled the session but will look over my calendar before I decide.

For the next hour he opened up and said a LOT of things. I spent most of my time quiet and either validating or asking questions. I did try to explain a few things to him but mostly just listened. He was floundering and sometimes contradictory but here are the highlights:

-He is not comfortable around me, feels intensely awkward when in my presence. He says it's nothing I am doing, rather I am doing everything right but he is struggling with his own discomfort.

-He isn't interested in being with anyone right now. He just wants to be alone and have space. He wants to work until he drops from exhaustion as this is the only time he finds peace. Work and being with his kids are the only pleasurable thing for him right now.

-He is simply looking out for himself right now. He wan't divorce me simply for two reasons, it would be embarrassing if he had to tell people he was getting divorced because he cheated and he is afraid of losing the kids

-He isn't interested in seeing a counselor to "tell some stranger what I did." I did ask him how his method or working and "trying to forget everything" (his words) would work out in the long term. HE said he wasn't sure if this was forever but for now it's all he could do.

-He thinks I am pretty, nice and sees I am changing. He has no idea why he still feels so uncomfortable with me. He will not give me affection or love right now. He is not capable. I did not ask any questions about this, he volunteered these words.

There was a lot more but like I said, he is super confused and contradictory. I won't lie, hearing him tell me he felt no love for me and that my mere presence made him miserable broke my heart...again. But I repeated to myself, "Believe nothing he says, only half of what he does." Most importantly I managed not to engage in an argument and to let him talk without becoming angry or defensive. I feel this may make him feel safe and maybe...just maybe feel safe enough to dive back into our marriage. In the meantime I will continue to focus on myself and my kids. I feel sad...I feel confident...I feel all mixed up. Guess it's one more day to stand up and brush off the dust and try again, huh?