Learning the Two Step:Quick, Quick, Slow, Slow

[melweb]

Thanks for checking on me Cil, and I know its been a while.

The past 3 weeks have been a crazy blur of activities and emotions. The Monday after H moved out, my job asked me to step in full time for the remainder of the school year. I said Yes!!--thinking/hoping it would keep my mind busy. It worked! I have been very busy and barely felt like I was keeping up with the things I HAD to do, much less what I wanted to do. Anyhow, school year is over and I have some breathing room, but I will continue to sub throughout the summer.

I am taking it day-by-day with H. My emotions (and thoughts) sometimes get the best of me. I have been honest with him in what some of my triggers are--he's been good about that. As far as transparency, I have access to phone and Verizon acct. But I am not stupid! I have access to what he gave me access to--he has work email that I have no access to, and I know they communicated through that as well. But as far as I can ascertain, the A is over.

I am struggling with my own thoughts and emotions: I don't want to talk about about it, but I know we can't sweep it under the rug and act like it never happened; I have questions but know I cannot un-hear whatever he decides to tell me.

So some days I feel really strong-- I refuse to be a victim, and let this define me or my marriage-- and other days I feel crushed by the images of the A. And the reality of it is, that even though the A is over, research tells me his MLC is not.