It's still a relatively new situation, so don't be too hard on yourself. If you can, try and do the very basics to get through the day (eat a little healthy stuff, wash, go outside, speak to people).
None of this makes any sense to me either, so I wouldn't worry about that.
My H just ran away, and left everything here. I started feeling weighed down by his stuff (I also had the sneaking feeling he was just going to leave it all here), so I was the one that packed it all up and arranged for his mum, and then his sister, to pick it all up. There's nothing of his left here now, and it's a huge relief.
I've found this whole thing has really messed with my playing. My sound was all over the place for months, and I didn't sound like me at all any more, It was like the core had gone out of my sound and it was a flaky shell of a sound. That has never, ever happened to me before, and it was really scary. Anyway, I just pressed on, playing a few scales every day and trying not to judge what I was hearing. Just observe what was happening, how I was feeling, and not judge. Things are better now.
I have packed most of her things but she will not come and pick it up. She was a pack rat and there are things all over the place. When I ask her to come get things, she tells me that I should be painting the house and not worrying about her things. We are going to have to sell the house By the way.
The whole thing has messed with my soul completely. It has ruined my life entirely. I used to be a happy person. I used to be fun to be around. Now im just an empty shell.
My music hasn't suffered much but I find myself playing nothing but sand songs.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
I posted the details of my weekend earlier this morning but wanted to elaborate a bit more.
So, Friday night I played piano at a local bar. Not many folks showed up. Willie Nelson was playing down the road and most of the crowd was out there. Anyway, as some of you know I have been trying to stop drinking and have done ok for the most part. However I did have 3 beers on Friday night. I was disappointed in myself that I couldn't get through the night without caving in. Other than that , the night was uneventful.
Saturday morning took my s11 and nephew to play golf. Had a great time! I dropped him back off at the STBX house.
This was my weekend to have the kids but STBX sister is in town and she asked if they could stay there with her and their cousins. At the time it seemed ok.
So Saturday night I did nothing just relaxed and watched some television. However I really started to miss the kids. This weekend was the second weekend in a row that they were not with me.
Sunday I went to church and thought the STBX was bringing the kids but she changed her mind last minute. I asked if I could take them to lunch and she agreed. So we had lunch and then they wanted to come over to my place (the marital house). once there I could tell they were sad. I have been packing up things trying to get the house ready for sale. They told me that being there made them sad because a lot of their things are packed up. They stayed for a while and we watched a movie. Around 5:30 they wanted to leave. This upset me because I was hoping they were going to spend the night with me. So I took them back and returned home. Again just tried to relax and not get upset.
Memorial day I woke up early and picked up s11. we went to Lowes to get some material to finish his tree fort at the STBX house. She was really acting distant and wanted to argue over what we had planned for the tree fort. So I finished and left. I worked at the house for the remainder of the day and at around 8is I tried to call D13 and got no answer. I tried STBX she sends me to voice mail. This goes on until 9:30 when STBX finally has the kids call. This is where I feel awful. I told D13 that I was going to cut off her phone if she wasn't going to answer it.
STBX called immediately after and yelled at me not to take my anger for her out on D13.
I was up all night feeling like a scum bag.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
I'm sorry TK. For the most part it sounds as though you did really well and we all say things to loved ones that we regret and an apology and honest chat with D13 will resolve things I'm sure.
I think the position to work towards is one where you are not dependent on the company of your children, or women, or booze - to make you feel good & able to cope.
So, how can you start working towards building up a life for yourself with some good friendships and activities to pick up on those times your kids aren't with you.
Did you get along to AA this week? Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I did have a long chat with D13 this morning and apologized profusely. She told me that she understands and that she forgives me. The STBX on the other hand, will not and will hold this against me forever.
I don't know how to be alone. I stayed sober all weekend and didn't go to the bars. I stayed away from the women too. I just hate to be alone. Especially in that house. every wall holds its own set of specific memories. I have got to get a new place. Im trying so hard not to mess up. I never loose my temper. I have a very long fuse. im so ashamed of loosing it like I did. And of course the self pity sets in. No one needs me or wants me around.
I did not go to AA. I chickened out. However, I did manage to stay sober.
The bottom line is, I hate being alone. I hate being left with my own feelings of doubt. So what do I do about this. I need advise on how to be happy and alone at the same time. My go to was drinking. now that im not doing that im just staring at the walls thinking that this is all my fault.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Why did you agree to letting the kids stay with STBX? Why not let them see her and their aunt for lunch instead of you getting the scraps on your time?
Also, I don't understand why you are building this fort at STBX's. I get that you are selling your place. But I think there are things that you can do with him without going to STBX's place.
Finally, next time, I'd recommend having a plan for when your kids are around. They surely don't want to go sit around their old home that's all packed up in boxes. What special/fun thing can you do with them next time?
Im trying to be easy to get along with. I want to be accommodating to the STBX. My kids summer just started and their cousins are in town. I thought it was the right thing to do. Also, im so afraid that she will "take me to the cleaners" during the divorce. I just don't want her to have any more ammunition. I want to be the good guy. I still love her.
The fort was already started and he has been asking me to finish it for him. There are but they don't like being at the packed up house.
I feel like she is taking advantage of me. my brother asks me why I continue to pay her bills for her and carry her on my insurance. the fact is I still love her and want her to come home.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
TK, can I suggest you watch the Shawn Achor TED talk on happiness and also consider buying one of his books? Adopting his strategies for happiness may help you.
Also, June is about to begin and I think you need to come up with a new GAL plan for yourself. One that will get you out and about, linking with others and recognising there is a life to be lived - whether or not your W chooses to be in it.
So - two potential things you could try....how's about it my friend? For a while - I made myself come up with a new regular GAL activity per month - these included a book group, divorce workshop, ladies social group, volunteering in a charity bookstore, yoga, aqua aerobics, gym, salsa, calligraphy group...etc...
My XH ran for the hills sadly, but I have a full and happy life (apart from some residual sadness about the D) regardless. You can do it if I can.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You know what they say about insanity right? Keep doing what you are doing and expecting different results. That is insane.
It is time to start doing things differently now. Please heed Sotto's advice. You gotta get up and take the first steps now. Get to AA. Get out of the house. Get some GAL activities that differ from what you have been doing.
My friend. You are getting great advice and feedback from so many that have and are living what you are. It is time to get up and take action. Have you read DB/DR? Watch the Ted Talk Sotto reccomended. Watch the Ted talk about emotional first aid by Guy Winch. Gather a social circle that can support you. See an IC. Call for a DB coach. See an MD if you think depression or anxiety is holding you back.
Please get up. Make some efforts to heal. Stay out of cheeseless tunnels. Do something different. Stop the insanity today.
This is my 2x4 for you today my friend. And I do it because I want to see you get started on the long path back to a happy place. But you will have to do the heavy lifting and place one foot in front of the other.
You have support here, so please don't waste the ideas provided and concern for you, by not taking action.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I agree to an extent that being easy to get along with is good. But being a doormat is NOT.
STBX asked for your weekend, and you just rolled over and let her have them? For what? If you had other plans, then fine. But it sounds like you felt that giving her whatever she wanted would make things easier or better for you. Or would help her to love you more...? Im not quite sure.
It's time to knock that off. What are you scared of?
