It's another case of you can't expect the world to be kind to you just because you're kind, the same way you can't expect a shark not to eat you just because you're a vegetarian.
I am so so tired.
I think joining my current organisation is one of the worst life decisions I have ever made. I guess I really need to rethink the situation soon. It has really made me very unhappy because of the clash in values and beliefs. At the end of the day, it might just be another one of the sitchs where I can db my ass off and I still will have to call it quits.
A colleague saw me leaving my rental with kid. I didnt see her. During lunch, she confronted me about the change in my address. In front of a whole table full of colleagues from her department. She asked a lot of intrusive questions. She seemed to want to get me to admit in front of everyone that I was divorced. She seemed to want to watch me squirm in humiliation. I didn't give her the pleasure and skirted her questions as best and civilly as I could.
I held my composure and then joined my other colleagues. And then started complaining via texts to my close friends and colleagues. And I must admit that I was v hurt and lashed out at the female colleague to my friends. To the rest of the world, I was still okay.
It was the humiliation that stung. The disbelief that someone I have never harmed in my whole life would do this to me for no reasons I can think of. Why humiliate me for something that I didn't choose willingly? How could they even make fun of me like that?
I know I could choose my reaction to her. I thought I was very civil to someone who was very mean to me. But it's not true that words can't break your bones. They do and they can break your spirit too.
Anyway, ranting is the way I get steam off and I am really like Dory. Swim a few laps and I do forget. I rarely hold grudges- xh and TP have the dubious honour of being the only ones whom I really hate now. And I do try not to let it consume myself because I know I have to get on with life.
Anyway, I had stopped ranting one or two hours after the incident. Then evening time, I made a snide remark about the incident again.
And my friend said something inconceivablely hurtful. She accused me of being like another colleague whom she always thought had no morals. And the best part was I was trying to validate and concede that I didn't have to let the colleague affect me. And I wasnt going out of my way to avoid the colleague in fear of her.
Ouch. Mega ouch. These 2 friends, they rant too. One of them is impulsive like me and the other one is more reserved. I listen to them and I have their backs, even when it puts me in an awkward position.
And then to hear the more reserved one let rip into me for doing what we all do. That hurt. Because I don't let many ppl see this side of me. I don't let ppl see the pain. I feel betrayed once again.
So I guess the world is a horrible place. And I am a fool for thinking that most people would have enough humanity to not rub salt in my wound and make me feel victimised once again for not having an intact marriage.
Sharks in the water, hyenas on land and monkeys in the trees. What a horrible place this is.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
