Sandi, that may be the case, but it's not how I feel it is. I don't feel I'm upset because I was putting energy into it, I needed to put energy into my life and I see that as the best thing that's come out of all of this. I think I'm upset with the timing because she said she always loved me, she says that she never wanted to leave me, she says that she always wanted us to work... But she waited until we had our first real talk in two years, one that really addressed our issues, and then instead of being willing to work on us she went to someone else to spite me...
I gotcha. From what you said here, it makes a little more sense to me that you would resent it. I would have to go back to review initial story line, but all I can tell you is that she must have been further along in the EA than you knew. It is very common for the couple to have a heart to heart and the H thinks he is fixing what was broken. However, she is often is speaking in retroactive terms (don't know if that's a good word for what I'm trying to say).
Timing between my H and I have always.....always been rotten. It just gets downright ironic. But that's how life works. I almost expect it, anymore.
I don't know how you feel, and don't mean to sound that I do. I have noticed that so many LBH's want a guarantee.....whether they see it in themselves or admit it. Maybe that is part of the process for the LBS....IDK. It makes sense. You have been betrayed and hurt, terribly. You want to know that nothing like this will ever happen again. It wasn't ever supposed to happen after the wedding vows were said, right? A fact of life is that sh't happens, and there are no garantees. Don't mean to sound so cynical, just being very realistic. What would probably help you is to see your W responding exactly like you want right now. It would give you assurance and help the healing process a lot. I wish she could, too, but I don't think she will be able to act like you want, at this particular time. How many weeks has it been since she said it was over with OM?
From my own experience, I can tell H's that for some women it's just not that simple, to bounce back and be the W he expects or needs to see from her. It's probably something the LBH will never fully comprehend....if they never go through waywardness themselves. Just like the WS can't fully grasp what the LBS goes through as a result of their S's wayward actions. We can try to learn as much as we can about it, but to fully comprehend the complexity of a WS, or for the WS to fully feel the depth of the destruction they have caused........probably not. And, I would think that would be a difficult fact for the LBS to accept, b/c the the majority, I think, wants the WS to know the intense pain they have caused. Makes sense to me.
Even when feeling remorseful for my waywardness and the A, it was as if there was some type of shield my brain would put there to protect myself from the full onslaught, at one time, of well deserved guilt and shame. For me, it was as if the regret, sorrow, guilt, and shame came in deposits. IDK, maybe if it had not come in deposits.....I would have been suicidal. Perhaps that is why I am very hesitant in how H's expose their WS. When they try to turn it into a public display, as if to make their W ride naked through the streets of the city.......well, that would have definitely run me out of town and away from my family. Anyway, don't want to get off on the subject of exposure. Just sharing my own situation.
Back to you Coconut, I know it must be tough for both of you. From what I can tell in your posts, it appears she is doing as well as could be expected. If she had tried to have sex with you right away, I would have been suspicious, (considering how things were previously). She has not avoided your closeness, and she seems to enjoy being with you.....and in my book, that counts for a lot!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
