WAS or what (6)

[roist]

Z, thank you for wanting to reread my threads and thank you for being there from the beginning. You were the first person to write to me when I first outlined my story. It is a pity that post is lost.

I've reread my first thread (well second as my first was lost, though that is propbably no harm veiwing how I was then!!) Honestly I have found reading things from a year ago, really not motivating.

I probably don't post much about my R anymore so it is hard to see, but I am in the same position, or at least very similar, but I have changed. I am not the same man. I am not afraid of my W or if she leaves. I stand up to her when needed and set any boundaries I need. I like myself and know I will only get better. I have an image of how I want to raise my sons. I am more aware of different dynamics, patterns etc. that I was oblivious to before.

I have decided that this is not as good as it gets and is not what I want. My wife has until I have finished working on a few key issues for me. After that we will see. Maybe I will find something else to work on and put off the inevitable. But ultimately I am ready to let go this R.

My biggest reason for staying may become my main reason to leave. My boys. I believed and still do that staying together in a loving family is best for them. However a dysfonctional unhappy M is not the model I want them to grow up with, even if they are loved fully by both of us.

I am not down whilst writing this. I feel full of potential that in the future will explode and fill my life and that of my sons with fun and love and happiness. I feel caged in this M, but I imagine that soon that cage will burst and I will reach my full potential.

Can that be done staying within this R? I have my doubts. I can only go so far along my path within this cage. Either the cage expands too or it breaks. Que sera sera.

I am not finished working on me. There is more to be done and some changes required are deep entrenched, so will take time to achieve. I give that gift of time back to my W.

I'll post more when I read my other threads. I am eager to read the actions etc I had planned on working on.