That was interesting I guess. A bit anticlimactic. I am not sure if this was positive, negative or what.
She came over. I was working on the pool shirt off so she could take a look at that (i've put in a lot of hard work on this frame!). The first hour or so was just catching up, hanging out. It was nice. It felt real comfortable, no problems.
Then she gets into relationship talk a bit. It was actually much more difficult to talk about then I thought. Not due to emotions. I just didn't know what to say most of the time. She is still very confused. I guess that is good? Sandi says that a WW is most confused at the beginning and at the end right? One minute it seemed like she wanted me to reassure that if we got back together that it could work. The next minute, I felt like she wanted me to agree that D was best (that's not happening). I repeated my same line that this is not what I want and I think we could have something special but I'll respect what she wants to do and that I will be OK either way. She is worried about our physical relationship improving. I said, I believe that our issues are deeper than just physical and if we could connect better than that could work out. I said it would be a lot of hard work but if that is what we both wanted 100% then it could work. She seems to just want things to be a fairy tale with no work. I tried to explain how I am sure she didn't feel loved by me and how, looking back, I didn't feel loved either. She took a bit of offense to that, but then I explained it better and ended up giving her the Love Language book. I think that is important and was a big issue for us.
I basically left it at that she has to really figure out what she wants. It is clear that she has serious doubts about things ever working out. She also said that she didn't know what was going on in her head when everything happened (that's the fog Sandi talks about I guess). She definitely did not say anything about getting back together. But she said that she is definitely not happier since she left. So I guess I am not really sure where to go from here. I wasn't expecting such a wishy washy conversation.
Here is the best part. My car was in the shop so she offered to bring me to get it before she left. I said OK and off we went. We get in the car and she goes "I am going to go this way because it is quicker". It's not quicker.... she wanted to avoid the felons house (I am sure). I just said "It's not quicker" but I was visibly annoyed. I wanted to get into it right there... she could tell how annoyed I was and kept asking about it for a little while but I let it go.
So on the positive side, she didn't tell me she was pregnant or that she 100% wants to D, on the negative side I feel like little was progress was made in our relationship or in moving toward D. hmph!
So on the positive side, she didn't tell me she was pregnant or that she 100% wants to D, on the negative side I feel like little was progress was made in our relationship or in moving toward D. hmph!
I was having a bad day til reading this quote. I literally spit my coke out. Lol
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
I mean let's face it, being married has its challenges and everything isn't all roses, you lose that fire that's only found in new relationships (I'm not saying there is no fire in long term M's, just that there's familiarity in M, which is different than new love), and is wanting to love and commit enough to fight of the urge of the high she got?
That is why it is a lot easier to leave the old R and start fresh with a new one. When a couple are both feeling excited and the high of being in love........it is easier. The work comes when the blaze of the fire is gone and you have a pile of ashes. I'm not going to tell anyone it's easy, b/c I don't think it is. Some people may cope better than others, but if they have a successful, happy MR........it is going to take everything they can muster to breathe life back into the M again.
I think it is key that both spouses are working to deal with their individual issues, as well as the issues in the R. I have said that the WW probably has to show a bigger effort on her part......b/c she is the one who was wayward and needs to prove herself trustworthy again.
That's not to say the H has nothing to do from his side of the street. They each have doubts, expectations, fears, etc. That's why I think it is important to find professional family therapy. Otherwise it's like a doctor doing surgery on himself.
From what I have observed, one of the main concerns of the H is if his WW will have desire for him again, or if he will have to settle for a roommate lifestyle. And, I have also noticed that it is extremely common to see that men like to know in advance if his W will get there or not......so he knows how to plan his future. . Many have stated if on,y they could know if things would work out, then they would be happy to do what was necessary, otherwise they wanted to end it and start a new life. It would be nice if we knew in advance.........maybe, IDK. But we dont't know. We have to decide if the time and hard work is worth it..........even if doesn't turn out like we had hoped.
I believe desire can return........or develop. I believe the ages of the couple, their health, their children, family problems, family and work stress, etc., can make some difference in their scale or level of "passion". In other words, they may not feel the fiery blaze of a newlywed. That's not to say they don't desire each other and have a deep love. There are many things to consider in individual cases. I don't think you can really compare one against the other when you are piecing the M back together.
For me, I had to work at it. The desire did not return as long as I resented my H. I was very angry and even bitter, and let me tell you.......a person better have some spiritual belief system to help get them let it go. The more resentment, the harder it is to let it go.
I prayed, and in fear, that God would help me feel the remorse I knew was necessary. You see, intellectually, I knew .................but emotionally, mentally, and/or spiritually, it would not come. It took a long time for me to get there, b/c I had a fierce amount of false pride that held me back, plus my stinking thinking. Anyway, I spent hours every night reading the posts from LBS who were so broken from the WS. Hearing them express their pain and reading about their situations helped me in ways I really don't know how to explain, except to say it gave me a clearer view of what I had done to my H. When I finally felt true remorse, I swallowed my stupid pride and went to my H with a genuine broken heart and humility for the anguish and pain I had caused him. (I still feel responsible for his health breaking so badly right after the time of discovering my A). It was after I felt remorseful and told my H, that I started to actually feel the love stirring in my heart.
Life will always present challenges, regardless of our age, and how long or short a time we've been together. Life can throw things at us to derail our intimate relationships. That's why we cannot depend upon emotional feelings, alone, to always tell us how another person feels.
"You never reach the point you no longer need to work on your M.........if you want to have a good one". Quote by my grandmother who was M about 65 yrs.
This quote from Sandi is exactly where we are at at the moment. This sums everything up perfectly.
Hey Pinn! The half was great! Actually, it was "easier" than I expected. My goal was to run the whole thing and I did! Now, I want to work towards a sprint triathlon.
So, for you.... Just want you to know that I'm really proud of you! I know our sitch's are different, but kind of on the same timeline with no children.... It's been incredible watching your journey as you continued to focus on yourself and your wellbeing... I know there seems to be something brewing in your w and I think you are handling things so well! Keep up the DB principles! They are working for you, buddy!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Thanks for the kind words feyth!! When do we get an update on your situation??
Congrats on the half.. That's great! Funny you mention the sprint tri... I am thinking about doing the same. I am getting involved with this crazy triathlon club but the amount they train is insane. I am catching the big though.
Not quite sure how to play the current situation. I think I will be meeting up with WW again this weekend. We have been texting more than normal. She seems to be confused. She says she definitely wants to talk more. We will see where that leads. Hopefully I am a bit better prepared this time. I gave her the five love languages book. I didn't implore her to read it. I just told her that made it a lot of sense to me and that it will help me in any future relationship. She texted me last night saying that she was reading it and that it makes a lot of sense to her.
These interactions feel different. Gone are the temp checking days. These interactions are not temp checking to me. I see someone who is trying to figure out what is best. She is not leading me on or anything like that. She is confused and all I can say is that I believe we could have something special. I tell her that the only way things would work is if this is 1 million percent what she wants and even then it won't be easy. It will take a lot of work from both of us.
Not sure where this will go or if I am doing the right thing. Honestly, handling temp checks and the other earlier stuff was more straight forward than this. Time will tell.
. Many have stated if on,y they could know if things would work out, then they would be happy to do what was necessary, otherwise they wanted to end it and start a new life. It would be nice if we knew in advance.........maybe, IDK. But we dont't know. We have to decide if the time and hard work is worth it..........even if doesn't turn out like we had hoped.