I just read Bluwave's thread again. I have come to a conclusion, that I am trying to make stick. I do NOT want a R with my xW ever again. Anyone capable of causing such cold hearted destruction, was clearly not the right person for me. I am tired of making excuses for her behavior. Her past caught up to her, her morals are all screwed up, and I really don't need toxic people in my life. I hope to find love again, maybe true love next time, maybe happier than ever. No more holding on to her to prevent me from facing my fears of being alone. No more using the kids as an excuse for wanting her back.

In 7 months I have not had 30 seconds of relief from the anxiety. My chest muscles twitch approximately in pace with my heartbeat, then it moves to my stomach muscles being tight and twitching, then moves to my back muscles being tight. It seems to move depending on my mood or what I am thinking about. I haven't researched or nailed down which feelings cause what, all I know is it is getting old! My hands shake with every movement. And my list of fears is not getting any shorter. I am a full blown mess still. I have let this person destroy me, and still do.

I spent the weekend at my brother's house. I helped him with projects, played a game for a while today even. No relief during any of this. Sitting in a lawn chair looking at the lake, peaceful, calm, a slight breeze, the sound of relatives talking behind me, this should have been euphoria. My brother asked how I was doing. I was not doing well. I looked at him and cried. So nice having someone care enough to ask. To receive something that was missing from my entire M. Something missing from my entire childhood.

I went and visited a FF for a few hours. That was the closest I have felt to relief in a long time. And not because I have any interest in dating her, I think because it is just so refreshing to talk to someone who understands and cares. Her personality gives me hope that I will find someone way better than my xW. What is interesting, I dated her many years ago. We didn't click, it ended. And we are still friends. This is how healthy people deal with break-ups.

I honestly don't think it is possible for xW to become the person I would want. We had fun together, but she was so unable to emotionally connect, her twisting every word I said when we talked about emotions should have been a sign a long time ago. Her telling the kids last summer I was mean to them should have been the last straw. She was a narcissist more than I ever knew? Why did I stay? Love is blind? Codependence made me stay in a toxic R? All the way back to early years she was controlling me, and I let her. Her telling me about her past when we first met to see if I would stay, unfortunately I passed the test. I read in her personal journal that she had done this to guys before we met, and they would run. Ironic, xW was posting her meme's on FB about how she had been wronged, her past not defining who she is today, etc. POM had posted on FB something about "everyone has demons, we just have to find someone whose demons play well together."

Her telling me I am not allowed to go out with friends. Her telling me "if you won't have kids with me I will find someone who will." Why didn't I run?

Some irony here. I feel like I can't fully let go until I vent this all to xW. I want to unload this all on her. Let her know I was wrong to blame myself, how wrong she was. What good would it do? Probably nothing. Would it help me get over my pain? Would it fix her? Why do I still want to fix her?

I still feel closure will only come when she comes crawling back, so I can see a genuine remorse. What will I do? Will I validate or spit in her face? Or validate and then spit in her face?

So many questions!!! But now on to facing my other fears, and the list is long! I was so content a month before BD, and now I am so scared that I can't figure out what I am going to do with my kids when I have them tomorrow. Someone please tell me I am not the only one who suffers so terribly from codependence!