A new crossroad reached

[mleigh4]

Hi guys! Checking in to update and say hi. I have been a busy girl with fun mixed in.

Last week S had a field trip to launch rockets they built. H took the day off work and went. I was biting my nails worried he would oversleep and not show up, until he sent me a pic of the event. I was so happy, and S was really proud to have him there. H took his drone, I had to laugh at that, he is obsessed with that drone. Come to find out, it was a hit. He took video footage from above of the kids and the teachers just loved it. After, H went back with the group, had a picnic lunch and hung out in class until school was out, then spent the rest of the day with S. Big kudos to H for doing that.

I continue to lay low, NC and keep things short and sweet.

This weekend came the hiccup. I had my reggae festival yesterday. What a blast! Got to see my favorite band plus other great music all day, tons to see, fun crowd, it was really fun. Anyway, the plan was that H would have S later than normal, and I would pick up S after the festival if it was not too late. Otherwise, I would pick him up Monday morning and have him a bit before going back to his dads like normal on a Monday night. At least, I thought that was the plan.

H was thinking I gave up my Sunday night by going to the festival and he would have S all day on Monday since that is his normal day to have him.

In my mind, Monday is a holiday and would be shared. A definite miscommunication. H heard I told a friend I would have S on Monday and blew up my phone with angry spew. How dare I decide to take his day without asking him, how dare I decide this on my own, who do I think I am.....to make a long story short, there really was no one at fault here, just another day of not being on the same page. He even continued to badger me while at the concert.....my friends felt it was just drama because he was jealous that I went! Lol

I did good. I did not engage or rage back, I told him we did not communicate this well, but bottom line, S is expecting me either Sunday night or Monday morning. (As you know, S does not care for going to his dad's, which makes it all harder.)

I ended up getting S late last night and brought him home, S was so happy to see me. After all the hoopla, H didn't even pick him up until 3:30 today.

When H got here, I asked to talk to him real quick. First, I apologized for the confusion and for making him so angry. I told him no more bantering on text, I will not engage, and if there is a problem, just talk to me! No need to get so ugly about it. I went on to explain, to avoid this happening again, we need to get together a calendar and decide how holidays will be handled. I told him, with holidays, just because it falls on "your day" doesn't make it yours...they get handled separately. He said he did not consider Memorial day a holiday. Bingo! There was the problem, I do. I said another reason we need to go over this stuff, either on our own or even file for legal separation. He agreed it would be a good idea to work this out, but worried about the cost to do legally, do we need lawyers? I opened my big mouth and told him I spoke to a lawyer and we can just get guidance from them but do it through mediation. His eyes almost popped out, he did not like that. He said he did not understand what made me talk to a lawyer, what did he do, why couldn't I just talk to him. He said he feared lawyers because they will make us hate each other. I said, H, we are not going to be buddies and friends, hanging out together through this. He said, I know people who are. I told him, I just don't see that happening. I don't even know who you are anymore.

I said, can I ask you a question? He said ok. I asked him, are you happy with the choices you have made, are you content with your life how it is now and feel you are doing the right thing?

He thought a second and said, sometimes yes, sometimes no, I just don't know.

I must have made a reactive expression because He then said, do you? Do you know? Because you always are saying you are happier than ever and are doing so great.

I told him, I just want to know where this is going. We never talk about anything, this just keeps going on and on, and I want to know what is holding you back from doing anything legal once and for all?

He said, you don't talk to me about anything either, you don't tell me where you are at, what is holding you back?

I said, isn't that your place? You are the one who left.

He said, don't forget, you left too.

I said, and why did I do that? Because you told me you no longer loved me and didn't think we should be together anymore.

He said, I was being treated like a third class citizen in my own home. All your attention went to S, I was sleeping by myself, we had nothing anymore. You didn't want me.

I said, H, that is not true and I am so sorry you feel that way, that is not how I felt. Yet, I was not being showered with love and affection either, so was that because you didn't want me?

He said not at first, but things just became that way. I said yes, exactly, unfortunately, it was both of us. I said the thing is, I don't want to go back to all that, I don't want to go back there, I just want to put this all behind me and move on. I said, I just wonder what holds you back from doing the same?

He said, well, we should talk about this stuff, I am open to talking, you have never tried. I said ok, now is not the time, but we should get together, maybe have dinner or something, go over our plans. He agreed, said we can let each other know where we are at. I said yes, but first, do a holiday calendar for S.

At one point, he said everyone tells him he better hurry up and file, not to wait because it makes it worse and more expensive. I looked at him and said, well I hope I mean more to you than just a dollar sign. He said of course you do.....but I saw definite hesitation and uncertainty in his eyes. I certainly can't talk, I am no better by dragging this out for my own benefit.

He then told me, the only reason this even comes up is when you are mad at me. The only time you bring all this up is because you are mad. I was silent, he is absolutely right.

So, who exactly is DB'ing here? Who is giving who space? God, it's so confusing guys. I told my girlfriends yesterday, I would not wish this on anyone. Sadly, I don't see myself compatible with him anymore....yet...I couldn't tell him that. I couldn't say I am done, even though it's how I feel What IS holding ME back? I still feel I want inside his head and heart before I can. Does that ever go away?

I am exhausted and looking forward to going to bed early tonight. I hope you all had a good long weekend.