So, I think it's time for me to stop being so vague seeing as how a lot of people on here are my friends. My wife and I split up 2 months ago. Long story short, I had fallen into a really deep depression that lasted for two years and, in that time, I turned into an [censored], became someone she didn't recognize and neglected my family. After a long time of this, she couldn't take it anymore so she took my son and she left. We were still pretty much together, just not living together. We were trying to work things out and I was feeling better and better and finally starting to get over this 2-year slump through therapy etc. Then, last week, I spanked my son because he threw food in my face and was acting out, and my wife absolutely flipped. Because, obviously if a father spanks his son he is abusive. So now, she won't even speak to me. She says she's trying to "distance" from me - which basically means she's trying to make it easier to move on from me. She says that I basically proved to her that no matter how well I do and for how long, I always have it in me to flip without warning. She has made herself believe that I am an abusive man and that she escaped from an abusive relationship.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Shawn, delete it from Facebook, not gonna do anything for you.
Tell us more about your relationship, do you have serious anger issues? Nw hen you spanked your child, was it to teach him right from wrong or did you lose control of your emotions? There is a big difference.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Ok. We've been together for five years. Married for three. Our son is 2 and a half. I don't have serious anger issues and I spanked him (one whap on the butt through his pajamas) to teach him that what he was doing was inappropriate. Today she texted me and told me that it wasn't the spanking (that was just part of it) it was the fact that we just don't work as a couple. My wife suffers from bipolar disorder and has been un-medicated for the past three years. She and my son moved out two months ago. We are both 33 years old.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
First, pull this crap down from Facebook if you havent already. Pleading to thew "jury of your peers" is no way to earn her love. Even if her friends did see it and talk to her, it would need build any love between the two of you. You may as well learn now that you cant convince her of anything right now. There is no "being right" anymore. Trying to "justify" and "defend" yourself will only push her away.
Originally Posted By: ShawnJ
So, I think it's time for me to stop being so vague seeing as how a lot of people on here are my friends. My wife and I split up 2 months ago. Long story short, I had fallen into a really deep depression that lasted for two years and, in that time, I turned into an [censored], became someone she didn't recognize and neglected my family.
OK. So what are your goals and plans to fix this?
Originally Posted By: ShawnJ
After a long time of this, she couldn't take it anymore so she took my son and she left. We were still pretty much together, just not living together. We were trying to work things out and I was feeling better and better and finally starting to get over this 2-year slump through therapy etc. Then, last week, I spanked my son because he threw food in my face and was acting out, and my wife absolutely flipped. Because, obviously if a father spanks his son he is abusive.
Im not going to discuss parenting styles. But she didnt leave because you spanked your child once.
The way I read this, you had been draining her "love tank" for years, and this act pulled the last drop out. So, I wouldnt focus specifically on THIS incident, but rather look for the patterns that caused the tank to get so low.
Note that now is NOT the time to start trying to refill her love tank. Now is the time to learn HOW to fill other people's tanks. Any attempts you make for her will be seen as pursuing and will be rejected,
Originally Posted By: ShawnJ
So now, she won't even speak to me. She says she's trying to "distance" from me - which basically means she's trying to make it easier to move on from me.
Baloney. If she wants distance, give it to her. Trying to close the gap will only push her further away.Do you think chasing after her will make it harder for her to "move on"?
Originally Posted By: ShawnJ
She says that I basically proved to her that no matter how well I do and for how long, I always have it in me to flip without warning. She has made herself believe that I am an abusive man and that she escaped from an abusive relationship.
Time to look inside. Not saying you are or were abusive. But what would cause her to feel that way. If she feels it then, it is valid. The key is to look at your behaviors and consider whether you think they should be changed.
It's gone from Facebook. I do think my behaviors need to change and they are. In fact, my thought process needs to change. There are many things that would cause her to feel how she feels/felt - like I said, she suffers from mental illness and has a tendency to either overreact to situations or not react at all. She lost custody of her first child from her previous marriage due to her uncontrolled illness as well as alcohol abuse. Right now we are being civil but really only talk about our son. She says she wants to work out some kind of appropriate time-sharing plan for him. The fact is, I want my wife back and I want my family back together.
