Not sure where to go from here

[ciluzen]

IP,

You're ok. I know this hurts, but you are beating yourself up as if you have any control over the situation. You don't. You cannot control what your H does, so why waste your time blaming yourself for "messing up"?

As much as you have no control over your H, you do have control over you and to a large extent, your reactions. I think because we are in crisis mode, we start worrying about every little reaction and how it will affect our H's behavior. We are trying to do things that only have what we perceive to be a positive effect on our H, with hopes that they will eventually add up and turn our H back to us. That hope carries so much weight that when what H does doesn't fall into line the way WE want, we fall apart because we "did everything right". Well, stop that nonsense. Because that's what this is...nonsense. There is no "right".

Stand back and look at what you have. You have two beautiful children. You have parents who are there for you and those children. You have a job and a work history. You have a home that your H has left you in...but you are in. You have started some attempts to GAL. This is you right now. Where will you be in 6 mos?

Pretend H has left and moved across the world and there is no possibility of his return. Wrap your mind around that. What will you do then? Make a plan. Put your H out of the picture. It can be done.

I'm doing it right now. I know I still report on my H on my thread...I still love him deeply. But I try to look at his actions as if I am studying him. Detached (still trying to,at least) He is inwardly a mess and is trying to sort that out on his own timeline...not mine. I've decided to quit blaming him and let him. As long as I don't pressure him, demand of him, make him feel that I expect him to do anything, we can talk and be easy with each other. I don't often contact him. I make myself available to him when he does talk to me on his own. I ask him how his parents are. How work is. I wish him good day and a good night. I thank him for little things...genuine thanks. I just listen and validate. No suggestions, no critiques. Just listen and emphathize. He needs that right now while he's in crisis. And I let him live his life while I try to figure out mine.

I'm not perfect. I lost my sh&t last weekend. I then waited to call him later when I could control MYSELF and let him know I was angry. I said "I am very, very upset with you". I then gave him my reasons why. CALMLY. It allowed him to open up and share some deep issues that caused him to act a certain way. We ended up laughing and having a good conversation. The original issue is left unresolved, but I had to let it go or go mad. Maybe he will deal with it...maybe not. My lawyer can deal with it if he doesn't.

You CAN do this, IP. Whatever "this" may be that is within your control.

If "this" is get on with your life and be happy about it...yes, you can. It will take an enormous gargantuan effort on your part, but it will get easier. And you have family to support you.

If "this" is getting your H back and living happily ever after, maybe. Maybe not. Not actually within your control. But if you choose to work on the former "this" instead, and are patient...well. That is a story still unwritten.