Just a Vanilla Change 30

[Ggrass]

Now for today.

I have pneumonia and am back on antibs. So I am sleeping a great deal which can't be bad.

I had a PTSD episode about it as I heard WH (his voice from behind me) and imagined him in front of me ranting. Saying the things he said regularly

I don't do ill (marriage vows?)

That's stupid you are just lazy

Well that's the earnings gone

You are a hypochondriac

What about me then?

Get it over with, next time

I would be better off if you were dead

Sell all the house and go retire

I want you to pay me what you owe me

You are taking the piss and give me no money

Call yourself a business woman

On and on

I face him and tell him to STFU and I walk away, just as I did in real life.

I have no nice thoughts of xWH, I have no ill will, I hope he finds peace and love in himself. I want that for him elsewhere. Italy is fine.

I once had a dream that xWH was a maggot feeding on a dead flap of skin on my stomach. It fascinated me, as I watched him living on detritus. Living off my energy and life until now he has only dead flesh to feed on, whilst my wound heals.

I am unsure what this means. I am in a pensive mood.

I am aware that I have posts from my last thread to answer..

I need to rest for a while.

Hugs to all

V

Nilla and that could have been written exactly word for word all xh2 direct quotes.

Nowadays if I make a nice meal, I remind my self but I cannot cook! Xh2 fave line every single day.

I laugh heartily and enjoy the meal with bf who agrees nope I cannot cook as good a celeb to chief. But for now he can suffer my cooking when his wife who passed only basically ate mashe potato and loved the freeze dried stuff.

My psd attack was some thing which it doesn't matter the cause, but it showed me to very important things.

1. Xh2 as I thought had and has not let go of the r.
Quote another poster mlc men seem to see their xw as dirty rubbish (he did say that) but it's his dirty rubbish he can do what ever the hell he likes. Including boundary violations and still excerise covert threats,and stalking.

2. I have extensive programming from those large years that can be triggers even if only for a 5min period in which I shake want to vomit and let a couple of sneaky tear drops out. I tell myself that makes me a caring person.

The one part I can do,little about until I can have pyscial evidence of the stalking, on one hand I cannot be bothered to even expend the Energy to do so. Other other hand wants to grab him and humitate him with exactly the same things he did to me.

The two part well I can re direct as you do nilla and laugh... That he has to go to such great lengths while living his blissful life with his wonderful fantasy ow in perfection. The fact he thinks I haven't let go, which as some of you know I shut the door a long time ago.
While there is tidy up baggage, the door is nailed shut, my hope ran out my wounds bled out and simply I had not much of the m left.

Now days I cannot with bf on the scene remeber what it was like to have xh2 around in good times. When you look back there was very few, those major times when I asked for my needs to be number one they fell by the way side with xh2 always wanting to be some where else or on some other project. I was last in so many ways. I just blanked a lot out the mind is weak.

I have had to send of more stuff to l, and like you I'm not finished with the busisines side.
It showed how I was actually almost following db things I put things out there very clearly. Xh2 answers where as always about him and how unfair it would me to expect he would meet any need.

Reading them now has been very In lightening. They say feeling change but on most things I haven't really changed any feelings I still feel the same. I still see the negative and un solution oriented ways and statements of xh2. I even told him so via email way back.

It's seems that adage here about we are far smarter than we know is very true, we just need to listen.