It's been an interesting few days, for sure. It's Sunday night currently, and for the first time I'm feeling a bit tearful and panicky. I need to remind myself how far I've come.
So I managed to do my self employed work on Saturday. It was an especially tough because of what I was doing. Anyway, I did good. There was only one moment when I thought I wasn't going to be able to hold it together. But I managed to distract myself, and I let the feeling go without letting myself get too caught up in it.
Today I came to visit my parents, and I'm staying the night. We've had a good laugh together and it's been a beautiful sunny day too.
I got lots and lots and lots of lovely messages on FB for my birthday. Some very heartfelt and complimentary. I was quite moved by those. It reminded me that I am loved and valued, and that I have earned a great deal of expect for the outlook that I have chosen to have on this whole thing (I've kept the details of what's going on to myself, even though I'm sure a lot of industry folk know now. And I've held my head high, behaving with total dignity and positivity throughout).
I was asked out and accepted (the man who was the year above me while we were studying, all those years ago, and who I reconnected with a short while ago). We went out yesterday, after I finished work. Conversation is very easy with him, and we share the same passion and have a lot of complementary interests too. He gave me w very thoughtful birthday gift.
He knows about what's happened and my situation (I wouldn't ever keep that from anyone, I'm far too honest and open for that). He's also had his troubles in life and has touched on them briefly.
I know already that what has happened over the past five years has changed me, and that I see the world differently now. That youthful unquestioning belief, trust and hope in other people has gone. It feels like it's been broken, and broken forever. And that I have now crossed over into a world that I didn't even know existed. This is new territory I'm in. I'm not even sure I know who I am, it's all so new and different.
Anyway, I had a lovely evening in the company of a very intelligent and interesting adult.
Will I see him again? Yes...we were talking about the possibility of doing a little work together.
Will I continue to work on myself? Most definitely. I'm enjoying this process far too much. It's giving me back so much more than I ever imagined it would or could. I'm enjoying the simplest, most basic things, like living by myself - I'm finding a great deal of peace, calm and joy in it.
Saturday's work and the way it unfolded helped me understand that for everything in life there is a pace and feeling to it. And allowing yourself to experience that feeling and enjoy the pace of it is part of the joy of it.
I think part of the reason I was feeling so down these past two months was maybe because I'd pushed myself so hard to get onto the 'right' track, and pushed myself really hard to go as far down it, as quickly, as I could too?
But there's really no need to keep pushing so hard is there? Once there's a certain amount of momentum down that path, it's a case of keeping pushing forwards lightly, but constantly,mto keep it all moving I the right direction.
