Have been lying in bed having a bit of Sunday night insomnia, thinking over my marriage. As I lie here, I'm really not sure I want my W back anymore. The reason I have no expectations is that I fully believe she will never look at herself as part of the problem. One of my biggest issues over the years was when she went out, all I ever asked was if she was going to be later than she said could she let me know or have some way of reaching her if something happened. Now my son is 7, for only 1 year of his life has she carried a cell phone, this past year. When she went out I never had a way of reaching her. She would use the words, I'm going out to escape.
She told me she would want the kids 100% if she could, I'm lying here thinking of that was the case and she wanted to go out, would she contact a babysitter if she was going to be late... It's suddenly a question I want to ask her, don't think I will hit if she said yes she would but wouldn't give me that courtesy, who am I with?
I really think now that this is the life she really wants, the part time mum position, a part time family. And if that's the case, that is not someone that I want to be with at all. I just feel now that she has always had this lurking under the surface. It's always been about her.... Words have always been cheap to her, actions rarely follow and I just don't see that changing.
When we got together, we did long distance from the beginning, she could do what she wanted and then call me at anytime of day or night and talk to me about everything, then go about her daily life again. I guess I feel nothing really changed when I gave up everything and moved to be with her. There have been patches of me feeling part of a team and couple but have always felt it was imbalanced. I guess I see now here I didn't create the right healthy boundaries for me, this team has been imbalanced from the beginning.
I've heard her say, how she doesn't know how she doesn't love me like I loved her... For me it's because she hasn't wanted to, hasn't had the will to and (maybe I'm wrong on this) now I question if she ever will. She will always find a way to blame me, always has. The amount of times she told me 'I have to get to know you again' especially after heated discussions, and I always went trying to prove myself again. I don't want that anymore....
