I think you have to decide which you want.........to show your W what a great job you are doing...........or to mentally and emotionally detach from the feelings you have connected to her and her opinions.
I understand how you are driven, at least I think I do. I am very much the same way, which doesn't make it right or wrong......I just understand how it works.
If I were in your shoes, and I mean me, Sandi.........I would probably be doing pretty much the same as you, if my goal was to find satisfaction in showing my H what a terrific gal he left. On the other hand, if I felt through with him, then why would it matter how he saw me. For me, I would have to be so utterly sickened at the very thought of him, for me to completely hold back from smearing it on a little.........but that's my personality and I'm not saying it's right, I'm just being completely honest. Even if I didn't want the guy, I would get a little bit of pleasure in showing what he no longer had. (Maybe I am a little wicked).
This causes me to recall when my D's H left her for another women. When he dropped by, she didn't care how she looked or how her place looked. I told her one day that I would look like a doll when he came by.......to show him what he gave up. She looked at me and said, I could care less what he thinks! So, two difference of opinions, I suppose.
With you being kind of energized into pushing forward by showing your W what she's given up...........it could eventually, I think, taper off to where you were more focused on just you and the kids. However, I certainly see the points SadH makes, and he is completely right that it keeps you attachd and causes you to have certain expectations.
Again, I think you have to decide for yourself which way you want, but know that you can't have both, (I don't think), in the frame of mind you have at the moment. B/c it occupies your mind, and b/c you place a certain level of importance on it........you stay mentally attached to her. You can either be detached or make "showing her" as your goal.
Years ago, a lot of the LBH'S gave illustrations of what each other could do to show their WW's how they were doing great without her and moving forward. I adopted a lot of it, but I do agree that it can keep you mentally attached. Your focus becomes on what she will feel or how she'll react, etc. In some cases, I think it may even be necessary (depending on the actions of the WW). But if the LBH is really ready to start living for himself.......without his W's opinions and feelings dictating His actions, and if he is ready to have inner peace, then I believe he has to let it go. I just don't think you are there, Biz. You have never been detached, and I'm not sure you fully "get it".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
