I'm also aware that we lost our emotional connection, that we were not listening to each other. I know it was something that was very strong with us at the beginning, especially my ability to just listen to her. It had always been a strength of mine, I have had so many friends turn to me and it does hurt that I lost that ability with the one that should have mattered most. I know it's said that I didn't break her and I know I can't fix her right now, I accept this.
I was talking to a mutual friend the other night, he plays Ultimate Frisbee with a bunch a people, something my W used to play during university. It was something I had suggested W and I go join together but she wouldn't go. Friend told me he dragged her there last week. I just thought that's typical of my W, she needs dragged, she rarely will do things for herself. So many things I tried to encourage her to do, find activities, hobbies but she wouldn't do it then blames me for stopping her going out. She has always had these plans, wants to do this or that but will not plan it. I had to do everything which normally I can do, I am also working more on learning the principles of leading better. The difficulty last year for me is I was completely burnt out from building a house and her 'friends' were more carefree and fun.
The biggest part of my rebuild is exploring more, having been training more and having more energy is helping with that. I have been pushing outside my comfort zone, meeting new people, trying new activities and generally been happy with life. My connection with my kids is so much better, I was concerned that it would be difficult when picking them up that they would stick with W but not a bit of it. They are so happy to see me. One thing that W has mentioned on several occasions over the past months is how much better I am with the kids. She mentioned at the beginning of the year she didn't trust it could be with her, that's why I understand that everything I do is a lasting change for a better me no matter what happens.
Sometimes I have wondered if I should include W in the odd activity that I know she would enjoy and the general feeling from people is mixed. Some say yes as we have had some space now, some still say no and leave it awhile longer.
