Thank you both for your feedback. I am glad that people here are reading this thread and taking something away from it. Again, I do not claim to be any expert, however I am happy to speak to my sitch if others find it helpful.
You are not alone if you are struggling with detachment. I think every poster here is struggling with that and that is WHY they are here. And for every person posting on these baords there are 100s or many 1000s reading that may never post. I read here the entire time H was in the fog, but never could bring myself to post. I didn't even post until a month ago--our 1 year mark into piecing.
I have still struggled with detachment even while piecing. In any close R, there is going to be some degree of codependency. My kids rely on me for a lot and they can get under my skin like nobodys business! Well same with H, but in a different way; we have all this history, we share everything, and I live with him everyday. So I can never fully "detach" from any of them. So what does detachment mean actually?
Well, again, I am no psychologist, but for me detachment means breaking an unhealthy level of co-dependency. It means not allowing what that other person says, does, and feels, to dictate what I say, do, and feel. It means to love someone but not to sacrifice your own needs and feelings for them. For me it means that I can create healthy boundaries, to be free to say no without fear of them withdrawing their love. It means to accept that when they say no to me, they are not saying that they don't love me. It is letting someone go who is asking to be released. It is valuing myself enough to know what I deserve and to ask for it. It is knowing that I cannot change another person but if I am not comfortable with what they are doing, I can safely take a giant step back.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
