I wish she would drop her guard and show me some of the tenderness that she once did. Apart from the issue I had before, we didn't want for anything and had a normal family life.
I think ^^^^^^^^^^ this is preventing you from letting go. Exile, at this point....you have to emotionally let go of her and the hope that she is going to change back into the loving wife you need.
Do you understand that it is your own feelings and inability to let go, that has kept you attached to her and the whole family togetherness?
I think it may take scheduling visitation and you taking the kids with you and going outside of the family house to be with them. Every time you enter the home, it pulls at your emotions and the desire to be back with all of them. I think you really need to discipline yourself and design a plan where she has the kids ready to leave with you when you arrive, and you stay out of the house.
I believe it would help with her resentment of you "hanging out" in the house, under the guise of being with the kids. I think you are wanting to be around her, as much as you want to be with the kids. You miss your home, which very understandable.......however, she can sense your feelings and I think it is going against what you wanted to accomplish.
It is high time to get tougher with yourself. You must develop some type of life apart from your W and kids. You need to develop a hobby; get involved in some type of volunteer work helping those in need; meet new people and make new friends; go to places where people gather; do things for fun; go to the mall and be around others who hang out there........it's better than walking the streets (I would think). You are so focused on how lonely you are, and will be, if you don't reconcile, that you are not giving yourself permission to have a life outside of the dream of going home.
It appears that she has tried to tell you that there could be a possibility for a new relationship with you, some day. But you must get out of her space! She wants to feel freedom, and she doesn't feel it when you are there with her.
I suspect you give off a sense of being a little pitiful. This sounds bad to say, but it is a turn-off to a WW. If it should stir some guilt inside of her, it will make her angry and she will direct that anger at you. Surely you would not want her to take you back out of pity.
The WW is attracted to the man who is self confident in his own male strength, in who he is as a man, and that he certainly isn't needy or clings to anyone. He is happy-go-lucky, yet he can be firm, fearless, and assertive. She must sense that you do not "need" her in order to be happy in life.
You have said you don't know how to assist in her experiencing loss, due to her decision to break up the family. The first and most important loss she needs to experience is losing YOU. How can that happen if you are there at the house?
It's time to drop the rope. Am I saying to give up all hope? I am saying to stop trying to save your MR right now. It is not working, the way you have been dealing with it. I am speaking, hopefully, in a language the LBH'S understand. Let go and stop trying to save it. I think that is the only way you will turn lose.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
