Looking for Support

[SH_]

I let myself feel the pain from earlier. I cried about it, laid in bed for a little while, but then forced myself up. I prayed, and I went out and bought myself a nice lunch. For this evening, I have plans with a good friend who is in town, so it'll be good for me to get out.

Perfect! This I like to hear. This is the way to give that emotional first aid. Very well done and I commend you for doing this in such a difficult day for you.

I loved your analogy of being in a battlefield. You sound like a very wise man, and your W is pretty stupid not to realize that (sorry for being harsh).

Thank you for the compliment. And I don't think you are being to harsh. . I have been in an anger stage of late and I have used similar words my self. Not out loud mind you, but the sentiment was the same in my mind.

I don't know what it is about my situation that makes me feel like I HAVE TO help my husband. He's had SUCH a tough life. From his dad abandoning them when he was a toddler, to being abused when he was a child by his mom, to getting stage 4 cancer in college (TWICE!). He just doesn't know how to deal with emotions because that side of him is so messed up by his life experiences. As soon as someone hurts him, he does not know how to put his guard back down. He holds up a wall of resentment, and doesn't know how to let people back in. I firmly believe that's what is happening with our marriage now, and that's what is keeping me from accepting the divorce. I've definitely done things wrong in the marriage that really hurt him, but I've learned and grown into a better person. I know I am different, I just wanted him to stick around to see those changes, but he just won't open back up.
I know I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped, but it hurts me to see that he won't accept my help and see that we can truly have a fruitful marriage again.

I would encourage that you check out material about codependency. This can aid you and answer questions that you have about your desire to help him and wait for him in spite of his poor behaviors towards you.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go to our old place and pack the remainder of my belongings. I think that'll help me gain some closure as well. He said he'd help me because I cannot pack, load, and unload everything by myself. Then he said we'd get dinner afterwards. To me that's MIXED SIGNALS. Makes me SO confused. He acts like a caring friend, and then he still goes on with the divorce. My plan is to just be as cordial as possible, not show him any emotion, and just show appreciation with the fact that he is helping me out.

Thanks again for your advice. i'll keep posting here.

These are mixed signals. And you will believe nothing that he says and only half of what he does. You will make a decision that is best for you at this point. If him helping you move will cause ongoing confusion and hurt emotions, then politely decline his offer and find assistance from a friend or someone else.
If going to dinner will lead to you feeling uncomfortable and confused by his actions, then politely refuse and do something else with someone else. You do not owe it to him to accept any of these offers.
Personally I think it is time for you to minimize your contact and conversations as long as the back and forth that you have been dealing with can stop.
You owe it to you to heal now. You can not fix him. He must do that on his own now.

Please take care, avoid the land mines that he is placing on the field by not walking into the field.
Sleep well and may your day tomorrow be a good one.