continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Thank you SH, JimKao, and Painter. You are very kind. I feel like I'm just about making it through on an hourly basis.

I just took my sleep meds and now I'm going to give them at least an hour to reach their peak. I have a headache and am kind of nauseous. I knew I had to go back into the circus tent eventually, but I guess I was just hoping I'd get more time to build myself up before that point. And I was still hoping that H might one day wake up and realize he really did still want our M. False hopes. No one I talk to can understand why I'd ever consider taking him back after what he's done, but I guess I just wanted to believe I might have my life back. I knew that was over, but I clung to all the hopeful things H said for those first 3 months. That was cruel.

My friend tonight said, 'well, I think your therapy will progress faster now.' I guess it can, now that reality has hit me over the head. I wish it weren't a holiday weekend; I'd very much like to see my therapist before Tuesday.

I'm hurting a lot tonight. I'm going to sign off before I start crying again. I'm going to read a book for some distraction. Good night, my friends. Thank you for caring about me.