WAW,still angry, am I indifferent or detached now?

[SH_]

So I am here hanging out as d17 is on her date and d5 is playing with her friends, and I thought that I would document some musing of mine as I got my early morning jog in today.

Disclaimer These are my thoughts today and today only as I reserve the right to change my thoughts as I continue on this journey and attempt to learn and grow along the way. I also mean no disrespect to anyones opinions that may differ or oppose my views as stated. And if the thoughts seem jumbled, incoherent or simply incomprehensible, well, then so be it.

So as I got my jog in this morning, my mind went to an early conversation with my DB coach and where we discussed the man I was when my WAW met me and decided to marry me. This was a challenging question that I stumbled with and over time came up with a great many things that may or may not have been accurate.

You see we met over 20 years ago, and my recollection of who I was vague. Who remembers what they were from so many years ago?

I was a 25 year old college student, struggling financially to get along as I paid my own way through college. I had been involved in several odd relationships that ended because of various things. My best friend had been married a couple of years previously and he was constantly badgering me to find a wife. (side note. His first marriage failed after 5 years and two sons. He remarried 1 year to the date of his D and 2 years ago, his W went wayward and had a PA with a trainer at the gym he and she were going to together. They have 3 kids) So hind site, he was not my best advisor.
I also attended church and the encouragement to marry was a strong one.
Why does any of this information matter? Well I don't know, but it all seemed to factor into the decision to marry.

I seemed to date women that wanted to marry. I dated a woman, that I was close friends with as I dated a friend of hers several years previously. Her friend turned out to be crazy. Clinically. Then we started dating. Her family loved me and my family loved her. We dated for several years. Then she wanted to get married. I was not ready for that at the time and told her I could not. It was hard for her, and she decided to go on a mission for our church for 18 months and told me that she believed the time apart would help me become ready.

She would write to me weekly once she left and I would reply as I had time. I went out on many dates, but not exclusively as I did not feel to be in a place for a relationship at the time. I wanted to discover who I was and figure out my future.

This is when I met my W. It was an odd courtship. I thought she was cute, but I was not attracted to her as I was with most girls the I would date at the time. We did not really date at first, as we would go out with groups of friends and hang out. Our first date was dutch as she asked me to go out.

So with out going on about many boring pre marriage details, I shared with my coach, that my W pursued me. I did not know that i was that different than now, other than I did not show a lot of interest in her initially, and that I even turned down her first talks of marriage. I was still the same that I am with many of the things that she currently blames me for doing wrong and reasons for leaving me.

So the question of what I was that initially attracted her to me are not fully answered and i dare not ask her to find out.

So now to my musing.
Do I want to be the person that she was initially attracted to? Should I not be a different person? One that has gown? Progressed? Changed for the better? Made mistakes, and learned form them? Evolved for the better?

I ask this, because as I tried to think of what she was that I was first attracted to, I find that she may still be to much of that person. I have struggled over the years, as she is very stubborn, and not interested in learning and growth. She is of the belief that people are who people are and they do not change.

Her point seems to be true as I look at her.
I appreciated her for the child like freedom that she would demonstrate in trying to new things. Being carefree. Enjoying the little things. I liked that she was a bit of an outcast, because she did not follow the status quo. She was very family oriented, kind, and happy. She enjoyed the simple things and went with the flow. She never pushed me to be anything except for myself. She was not self righteous, but she had values. She loved kids and I saw she would be a great mother for my children.

So now I look at her and these same qualities have not evolved much and some of them have become toxic over the years in our MR.
Her childlike freedom, is the same as when we met. Just do what ever, and try and fix the consequences later. This created debt for us for half of our marriage, until i wanted to evolve and be responsible. Our health was bad, because she wanted to eat out regularly, and junk food was easier to prepare at home. We both gained a lot of weight and fought health issue due to this. Decisions with her d17 were as a child, and my d17 struggles from issues where she took on the mothers role in our family because WAW would engage in non mother behavior. i did not know this was a thing, but IC shared that there is a term for this in psychology, with me.
The outcast thing makes social interactions with others awkward as she tends to turn folks off as she interrupts, and rarely will listen to others. D17 struggles, because when people ask her questions, her mother will answer for her again making for an awkward situation.

Her family orientation manifested itself as a connection with her birth family. That was typically more important to her than our own family. She was reluctant to create our own family traditions. She would only want to do things the her family always did. She always wanted to contact her family to brag about accomplishments that she had, or flaunt our daughter around to them like a doll or puppy. Her competition to out do or one up her family members was important to her more than anything.
Her love of kids seemed more apparent with other kids. With her kids, it was only when she gets something out of it. Trying to get her attention for small things seemed impossible. D17 says that her mom is more a friend than a mom. She always just wanted to be her daughters best friend. This has backfired in her relationship with her d17.

As for accepting me to just be me. That ended the moment we were married. She was always throwing out what I should do and be. She would tell me what career I should do. She would tell me I needed to buy her a house the we were broke, in college and barely affording rent and food.. She even pushed for having a baby just 6 months into our marriage, even though I wanted to spend more time getting to know each other and building our relationship. Having a baby to flaunt to her family for attention was a big priority for her.

So, at this point, almost 20 years later as I look at her, I see a person that has not evolved much and how characteristics that I was attracted have not really evolved for the better.
As I have changed, I would like to think it is for the better. I have my faults, and things that I need to continue to work on, but I have been and will continue to actively work on them. I work to be a good father. I work to be financially responsible. I work hard to maintain good health, I worked hard to be a better husband and partner in a MR. I read, study go to seminars and put into action plans that have moved me forward in all of these areas. She resents that as she did not want to participate and would put me down for doing these things.

As I watch her over the last few months, I see the same girl from 20 years ago, behaving in the same manner, only now her behavior has pushed away her husband and daughters and she has simply returned to the family that she started with.

As I started DBing, it was with the hope to save my marriage. I thought I wanted to be he man she was initially attracted to. But I saw that I would never be that 25 year old young man that was trying to find his way in the world. Nor did I want to be that man. I wanted to be a better man than that. I have been a father since I was that man. I have lived in a marriage that was more broken for years than I was willing to accept. I was a man that was fighting for marriage, because my family was the most important thing to me, and now I see that she stopped fighting more years ago than I am willing to admit.

Maybe I started detaching years ago to protect my self, as she did not seem interested in working as partners and progressing in our evolution as people, parents ,and spouses. I hoped that she would see changes and desire to change as well. What happened is resentment and anger took hold instead.

Now is the time to continue to change and evolve and not simply be the man only a fool would leave, but it is to attract the woman, that a good man, father and future husband deserves to continue to evolve with.
My d5 deserves to grow up in a family unit that is governed by the rules loving and good family functions by. I will foo everything in my power to create and set that up for her.
I deserve to have a partner that I want, not need, that I can serve and do so with out expectation. In return, that person will accept me for who I am, and inspire me to be a better version of me through ongoing evolution and will put in the work to do the same.

It may be years down the road, and I am not sure what it will look like, but I know as I pray, work hard, continue to work to be a better father and man, this will be the next leg of my journey.

These are my musing for me today and for today, these are the thoughts that I will use to proceed forward in these difficult times for my family.

I challenge everyone that reads this to look inward and evolve. Evolve to be a better person, parent and future spouse, regardless of how that future looks. You will be attractive to the right person when you do so. Whether it be your current spouse or another person. But I believe all on these forums are fighting for a very important thing. If you put in the work, belief and trust that it is possible you will be blessed.

May god bless each of you and your families this day.