You don't ever have to apologize for being too harsh. I appreciate your honesty, and I know everything you are saying is being said with the intention of helping me out.
You're right about it being a cheeseless tunnel, I've found myself here before, where things are seemingly good, and out of nowhere another bomb drops on me. I'm better off when I don't speak with him, because when I speak with him, he acts like his normal self with me. The playful, loving man I fell in love with, that is what gives me hope. I don't understand why he acts like everything is normal between us, maybe it's a way of lessening the guilt?
I let myself feel the pain from earlier. I cried about it, laid in bed for a little while, but then forced myself up. I prayed, and I went out and bought myself a nice lunch. For this evening, I have plans with a good friend who is in town, so it'll be good for me to get out.
I loved your analogy of being in a battlefield. You sound like a very wise man, and your W is pretty stupid not to realize that (sorry for being harsh).
I don't know what it is about my situation that makes me feel like I HAVE TO help my husband. He's had SUCH a tough life. From his dad abandoning them when he was a toddler, to being abused when he was a child by his mom, to getting stage 4 cancer in college (TWICE!). He just doesn't know how to deal with emotions because that side of him is so messed up by his life experiences. As soon as someone hurts him, he does not know how to put his guard back down. He holds up a wall of resentment, and doesn't know how to let people back in. I firmly believe that's what is happening with our marriage now, and that's what is keeping me from accepting the divorce. I've definitely done things wrong in the marriage that really hurt him, but I've learned and grown into a better person. I know I am different, I just wanted him to stick around to see those changes, but he just won't open back up. I know I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped, but it hurts me to see that he won't accept my help and see that we can truly have a fruitful marriage again.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go to our old place and pack the remainder of my belongings. I think that'll help me gain some closure as well. He said he'd help me because I cannot pack, load, and unload everything by myself. Then he said we'd get dinner afterwards. To me that's MIXED SIGNALS. Makes me SO confused. He acts like a caring friend, and then he still goes on with the divorce. My plan is to just be as cordial as possible, not show him any emotion, and just show appreciation with the fact that he is helping me out.
Thanks again for your advice. i'll keep posting here.
