continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[SH_]

Thank you, SparrowHawk. I really appreciate it and am very grateful to know that you are checking in on me today. It's been a hard one. Setting my goals very small today- make it through the next hour. With Xanax. I was on the phone with my T and I could barely even open the pill bottle I was shaking so much.


Talked to my neighbor friend a while ago, and she was lovely.

Good. Keep up with doing the little things to move hour to hour today.

I feel like I'm in exile because I don't want to go home and have the damn server find me. Is it silly to try to dodge it for the holiday weekend? I'm so disgusted that it's come to this. After giving my love to this man for 25 years I didn't even earn the curtesy of an email? Or even a text? This is not OK.

Try not to overthink this. What will happen, will happened. Focus on the efforts that you will take next week with your L. Emotions out. Facts and gory details in. I know it feels icky, but it will get easier. I promise. Been there. Done that.

A couple months ago he said that we're both good people and we both deserve to be happy, but he stopped being a good person some time ago.

You don't believe anything he says. That applied now to anything he said a couple of months ago. Avoid the rumination as best you can today.

Here comes the next wave of sadness. I don't want to be this helpless victim, but wtf? There is nothing that I could have done to deserve this method he has chosen. If he wanted out, then he should have said so, and not left a huge path of destruction in his wake. I'm angry and sad and disgusted and devestated and worse, I'm so unsure of myself now. I never doubted myself like I do now.

Let the waves pass. You are not a helpless victim. You are simply a wounded person. Now apply some emotional first aid, and then lets get to work. You say you doubt yourself..Let me tell you why you can acknowledge this and let it pass. You doubt yourself, the same way a heavy weight boxer does when a punch knows him woozy. He can't think straight, his legs are wobbly and he finds himself on the ground. There are 2 options here. Get up and keep fighting because you have trained for this. Or stay down for the count. Now you my dear Phoebe have been training for this moment. You have been coached by many here in this community. You have read DB/DR. You have been seeing different specialists to help you strengthen yourself from the other blows you have received.
And you are running your home and land like a boss. Tractors? Chicken saddles? squirrel surgery? Seriously, you do all this and still doubt? NO WAY. I am not buying this bill of goods from you today my dear Phoebe. You got nothing to doubt.
And you have coached me through some tough times. So stay in the moment. And you got this.