continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Thank you, SparrowHawk. I really appreciate it and am very grateful to know that you are checking in on me today. It's been a hard one. Setting my goals very small today- make it through the next hour. With Xanax. I was on the phone with my T and I could barely even open the pill bottle I was shaking so much.

Talked to my neighbor friend a while ago, and she was lovely.

I feel like I'm in exile because I don't want to go home and have the damn server find me. Is it silly to try to dodge it for the holiday weekend? I'm so disgusted that it's come to this. After giving my love to this man for 25 years I didn't even earn the curtesy of an email? Or even a text? This is not OK.

A couple months ago he said that we're both good people and we both deserve to be happy, but he stopped being a good person some time ago.

Here comes the next wave of sadness. I don't want to be this helpless victim, but wtf? There is nothing that I could have done to deserve this method he has chosen. If he wanted out, then he should have said so, and not left a huge path of destruction in his wake. I'm angry and sad and disgusted and devestated and worse, I'm so unsure of myself now. I never doubted myself like I do now.