My Wife Walked Out

[RSG]

Little update: It's been a week today since she left. She's at her parent's this weekend, and I have our son. She's constantly critiquing me about what he eats, when, naps, etc. When we talk/text, we only discuss our son and what's going on with her. I haven't initiated anything, and she doesn't ask about me.

Question: When she says something like "I'm going on the boat" should I be saying something like "have fun" or give a more non-descript response?

I'm working hard on detaching, GAL and being a lighthouse.

[Coconut]

Does she love going out on the boat? If so, maybe respond with "I know how much you love boating, have fun"...

when you mention what your doing, your not mentioning validating, you need to add that, it's one of the most important things for now.

Also, regarding her critiquing your parenting, have you cared for your son in the past? If not, and your really having difficulty figuring all out, you may want to have a conversation about it. I would start by saying that you are not ok with her constant critiquing of the care you are providing son, but you understand she is concerned about different schedules impacting your S, so you would like to discuss how the care can be provided by both of you seemlessly.

Create a schedule / plan, include nap times, meal times, play times, etc., anything that needs to be addressed.

I think this will allow you to let her know you are not ok with being critiqued (boundary), validate her feelings, and show that you are a great dad and want the best for you S.

I am not a vet, but these are my thoughts on your sitch.

[RSG]

I've cared for my son plenty, and she has told me many times I'm a great Dad. So, I think it's that she misses him and whatnot but it still bothered me. I was good, and didn't let anger take over, but told her I'd do better today about what he ate.

Yes! I'm working on validation too! I never really realized how important that is. She's going on her Dad's new boat and I know she likes being out on the lake with him. I just said "have fun." Whenever she talks about something, I try to be impersonal but friendly. She tried to take the dog out for me and was angry he didn't "use it" and I just said thanks for taking him out. She's said she's tired when dropping off my son so won't want to talk much, and I said ok I'll keep it minimal so you can get rest (and I did). Things like that.

[Coconut]

I wish I could see a transcript of this script lol!

I've thoroughly decided to choose happiness. Each day is a new opportunity, whether I have my son for the day or not. I know of plenty of things I can do that I hadn't been because I put family first. I recall she's said in the past that I don't do much, so she'll be surprised to see me out and about.

I'm working to make each day fun for me. I have hope for my marriage and my family, but I know it starts with ME!!

If you wanna read the script just check the first 5 - 10 pages of everyone's thread... Most are having an EA or PA, but A or not, the script is almost always the same after bomb drop

[Coconut]

Oh, and take heed of you read mine, my wife's EA started after ILYBINILWY speech, she says it had a lot to do with me pursuing her all the time for that first week... Another example of why pursuing is BAD...

[RSG]

Oh, and take heed of you read mine, my wife's EA started after ILYBINILWY speech, she says it had a lot to do with me pursuing her all the time for that first week... Another example of why pursuing is BAD...

I stopped pursuing after a couple days, and the tears stopped (in general) a day after that. I'm def 100% on me and my son. I've read some of the stories, and I read similar statements that my wife made. I guess after that, it's just how each person reacts to the other. When my wife left to go visit her parents yesterday PM, we talked for about 10 minutes about the weekend and our son. I sounded pretty normal, smiled and told her to be safe.

Welp, as I'm typing this and feeling positive my wife calls to say she is dropping herself from our shared phone plan and at the store getting a new one. Minor setback? Or is this a big deal?

[SH_]

Welp, as I'm typing this and feeling positive my wife calls to say she is dropping herself from our shared phone plan and at the store getting a new one. Minor setback? Or is this a big deal?

Neither. It is just part of the process for a WAS/WW.

You really do not want to worry nor focus on it. It is her behavior and should have no affect on what you are doing to focus on yourself.

[RSG]

I hear you. You're right. It's just a phone plan, not divorce papers. She could always switch back. Thank you for that little bit of encouragement! Gotta keep on with ME and my son!!

When she called me to get the account number and PIN, I was flustered because I was making lunch and it took me by surprise. She got angry when I couldn't get info for her right away. But I remained cool, got her the info requested and asked what kind of phone she was getting. She's getting an iPhone and said I should get one too so we could do facetime for our son. Not a bad idea actually, though I don't care for Apple products.

[sandi2]

Don't know that this applies to your W, just saying that some young women have the whole fairy tale fantasy about marrying her prince and living happily ever after. Little girls used to grow up being fed such things and leaving them with the idea M was suppose to make them happy.

Embarrassed to admit, I thought my H was suppose to make me happy. When he didn't, it made me pretty upset with him. I was very young and had a lot to learn about relationships. I was much older, again embarrassed to admit, when I started hearing how happiness was a decision.

So, back to your W, I take it you don't see it as being a situational type of depression.......like suffering over some type of loss. It's more like she has unmet expectations and desires, right? Is this the first time she has sought out medical help?

Chronic depression is tough to live with, and it's tough to live with the person who has it. I hope she will continue to seek help with this problem.

I do understand her eliminating what she sees as being the logical source of her unhappiness. I did the same thing when I had my first baby and was suffering post partum depression. I thought I would leave my H, find someone new, and live happily ever after. I was still very young and pretty ignorant about this subject.

How long would you say she has complained with unhappiness? Did it begin shortly after you were M? Did she ever tell you what would make her happy? Sometimes when women complain, the man takes it as nagging.......when really, she's trying to tell him what she needs. It may result with him tuning her out, getting in an argument, or her tears, but it boils down to bad communication.

[RSG]

Sandi,
The perspective of a woman really helps.

Correct, she doesn't feel good because she's always scared she won't do something right and feels unfulfilled. She's never seen a Dr., only doing it now because she's chronically sick, sleeps poorly, has headaches and has lost interest in things she used to enjoy.

Her unhappiness really started to come out about a year ago when we argued about our son and therapy. She didn't want to discuss anything, only have me agree to everything on the spot. And despite it being expensive, she saw that as an excuse from me because I was the one paying for it.

I've asked plenty of times what would make her happy. She'd either say I don't know, or say something ugly so I'd stop talking about it. Her biggest complaints were dumb things, like mine of her. Taking out trash, smells, dishwasher, etc.

Inadvertently I've asked how she's doing the past week and she'll say fine. Once she said"great" and it made me sad, but I remembered to not believe much of what she said.