I have an update. After my relapse yesterday and trying to get her to fight for our marriage she has spoke with a mutual friend about it.
She seemed annoyed that I had done it and said that if there was anyway I was going to win her back that wasn't the way to go about it. She said that the only way back was for her to reconnect with the "old Kyle" and not this needy and desperate person I've become. She went on to say that she feels she doesn't love me anymore and validated that by saying that if I was to start seeing someone else she doesn't think it would bother her.
I have an update. After my relapse yesterday and trying to get her to fight for our marriage she has spoke with a mutual friend about it.
She seemed annoyed that I had done it and said that if there was anyway I was going to win her back that wasn't the way to go about it. She said that the only way back was for her to reconnect with the "old Kyle" and not this needy and desperate person I've become. She went on to say that she feels she doesn't love me anymore and validated that by saying that if I was to start seeing someone else she doesn't think it would bother her.
And the theme of this site is what? Do you, become the best Kyle you can, become the man only a fool would love..
She just told you to do (I'm surprised she told you btw) exactly what we have been telling you to do... I see so much hope for your sitch in the fact she told you that, but I am also very concerned that you are only going to focus on doing everything to get her back. Understand this, you need to do it for yourself, DO NOT think to yourself that if you do this, this and this she will comeback to me, that will not get you where you need to be.
Do it for you or everything you do with her in mind will only attach you to her more. If you want to be happy with her, you HAVE to be happy with YOU..
Back off and give her space, do not contact her other than about child, let her initiate all conversations, and use your time becoming a better you. Make sure you read the validation link cadet gave you, do not tell her how you feel about anything, just validate her feelings. Kyle, it's hard, but understand you will probably lose her if you don't listen to what everyone (even her) is telling you.
So give space, validate and GAL.
Go to meetup.com, find things going on in your area and go do them, try things you never thought you would, you might find a new passion in life, and passion is sexy. I highly recommend you try meditation, it's something new for me, and is immensely helpful for me, I never would of thought I would like it, but I love it.
You can do this bud.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I have an update. After my relapse yesterday and trying to get her to fight for our marriage she has spoke with a mutual friend about it.
She seemed annoyed that I had done it and said that if there was anyway I was going to win her back that wasn't the way to go about it. She said that the only way back was for her to reconnect with the "old Kyle" and not this needy and desperate person I've become. She went on to say that she feels she doesn't love me anymore and validated that by saying that if I was to start seeing someone else she doesn't think it would bother her.
Please listen to what Coconut said. I WISH I knew my wife felt the way yours did. Of course, it also validates the first rule. To NOT try to talk your wife into seeing things your way, because it'll validate her choice. The hardest thing to realize is that your thoughts, essentially, don't matter.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
She didn't say it directly to me and it was something said to a mutual friend but does she expect that message to get back to me? I'm also concerned by her saying that if I was to hook up with someone that it wouldn't bother her, feels like she is trying to validate doing it herself.
Please listen to what Coconut said. I WISH I knew my wife felt the way yours did. Of course, it also validates the first rule. To NOT try to talk your wife into seeing things your way, because it'll validate her choice. The hardest thing to realize is that your thoughts, essentially, don't matter.
RSG, one thing you will learn is they all follow a script. Your W does feel like his, she just hasn't said it to you. She's M to you, and is the mother of your child, she wants you two to work, she just doesn't see her being happy with who you are, or herself, but as you become a new you (for you) she will take notice, she will start to make changes on herself eventually (I've seen my W do it, little things but changes to better our family).
But your changes HAVE to be for you, if not, she will know. my W said multiple times to me that she thinks/thought my changes were to get her back, but when I stopped bragging about my changes, and started doing things she didn't know about, because she wasn't around, but somehow found out about she realized that I wasn't doing them just for her. I'm not to far into this whole thing, only two months, but I'm still constantly trying to find things for me because I want to find something for me that I can become truly passionate about.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
And I will add that when she is talking to people about her decision and the general situation she seems confident she's done the right thing and that she doesn't love me anymore.
Dammit Kyle, stop eating yourself up about what she thinks... She mentioned about you getting her back and your only looking at ways she wants out.
Worry about you, you can't change her... Go out for a walk, clear your head, then come back and post here what your short term goals are for you this week...
She doesn't want the current you, you can't convince her otherwise... What are you gonna do to make you a better man, come back and let us know. Focus on three things, what exercise are you gonna do this week, what social activity are you gonna do this week, and what are you gonna do spiritually this week (meditation, church, etc).
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I wish I could see a transcript of this script lol!
I've thoroughly decided to choose happiness. Each day is a new opportunity, whether I have my son for the day or not. I know of plenty of things I can do that I hadn't been because I put family first. I recall she's said in the past that I don't do much, so she'll be surprised to see me out and about.
I'm working to make each day fun for me. I have hope for my marriage and my family, but I know it starts with ME!!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Hi Kyle , I hope it's ok to post. All this is a huge shock for you and you need time to accept what is happening to you.
Right now , your W is done , nothing you do ( right now ) will bring her back. She didn't make this choice overnight and she won't change her mind overnight
You need to read Cadets homework and start to accept that the old M is over.
A lot of what your W is saying is script and even you saying she will not change her mind is what we all think about our WAS
The reality is you have a great opportunity to work on you. Become the best you that you can be. Take up hobbies that maybe you never had time for , become the best dad the world has ever seen This is Kyles time to grow.
as long as you are looking to W for her reaction to your changes then the changes will not be real and she will see that.
We all struggle to accept our new reality , none of us were in abusive Rs , we all love our WAS or we wouldn't be on here but the sooner we accept what's happened and move forward with a plan , the sooner we live our lives as we should
All the above is said to get you to live your life. W is on her journey so Kyle can sit like a puppy waiting for her to decide what she's wants or Kyle can improve and use the gift of time your W has given you and thrive IF that brings W back then great but if not you have gained from this and become the Kyle you always should have been
Dammit Kyle, stop eating yourself up about what she thinks... She mentioned about you getting her back and your only looking at ways she wants out.
Worry about you, you can't change her... Go out for a walk, clear your head, then come back and post here what your short term goals are for you this week...
She doesn't want the current you, you can't convince her otherwise... What are you gonna do to make you a better man, come back and let us know. Focus on three things, what exercise are you gonna do this week, what social activity are you gonna do this week, and what are you gonna do spiritually this week (meditation, church, etc).
Kyle, I just wanted to let you know this was tough love, I know reading words can sometimes be difficult to interpret meaning, but I wanted to make it clear I'm not frustrated or mad at u. I just understand how hard it is to get through all of this and want to do anything I can to help you understand what will be best for you in the long run.
You will make it through this, time is such a great healer.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
