I have been reading here and am thinking about the confusion of the LBS and if they really want the WW/WH back and I have some thoughts about this. I think when a person leaves us, our self esteem falls in the gutter, we are blind sighted and scared, and so naturally we cling to what was lost or taken from us. That is why there is some emphasis here on part of detachment being that the M is over and gone. This doesn't mean you can't have a R with that person again, it is a way to help you come to acceptance.
Acceptance is the hardest piece in my mind. I keep reading here that posters are 100% convinced there is no A. They just can't believe it is even possible. I felt that way too. It took me a long, long time to even wrap my head around the fact that my H could even hurt me. He was the perfect nice guy! Well, now I know I was wrong; he was actually the perfect Nice Guy, and as V pointed out, they come with many flaws and hidden (unknown to them) agendas. I never knew my H was capable of anything but being a wonderful man, H, and father. After 15 years, he snapped. There is only so long a person can survive stuffing their needs and feelings.
So after I was struggling on my own, I realized I have to come to accept that the M was over. I kept asking myself if I would ever take him back. The strong confident me, always said no. And he knew that was a deal breaker all along. That and my anger kept him away much longer. I don't know if in that year, I ever came to fully accept that he was gone, the M was over, and to know I would be fine in life without him. But I tried and tried to act as if every day.
When H came back, he was different and out of the fog. You see, I could not have known if I would take him back while he was gone because he never showed me a person I could respect and love. When he came back he was remorseful, transparent, and willing to do anything for as long as it took to give it his best shot. He wanted to give me a change, put our family back together, and he always knew in his heart he owed it to himself to try. He knew there were no guarantees and that I may never forgive him and see past the A.
I really failed at DB a lot. And we have been piecing for over a year now and it has been hard work. So I am here to say that I could not know what it would feel like to be here when H was gone; no clue. You cannot make that decision while they are wayward because that is not a person you would want. It has taken me a year of piecing, but I can see that if we continue on this path it will work and it will be better than before.
How do I know that? Because we have both made the conscious choice to do that. It's simply a choice to wake up every day and think "I don't need you, but I want you." For me, I want my family intact, I want financial security, I want to raise my kids with someone that loves them as much as I do, I want to have history with someone, I want to know that I tried everything I could. And so does he.
With that comes the fact that in order to recover form the crisis, we both have to be stronger independently and we have to look in ourselves. There is no way we could survive this war without that. But you see, without this crisis, I am not sure either of us would have done that. So if we can both successfully do that, ultimately we WILL be happier, healthier people. Isn't that also what attracts us to others?
So where am I going with all of this? I am in full agreement that if two people can come together after full destruction--affairs, divorce, whatever it may be--yes, the R can be better. That is only if both people make that choice, do the hard work and stay on the path over time. You cannot know that now while your spouse is gone. You can only know that if they present to you someone that is new and improved, or someone that is willing to improve by your side but only for them self.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
