What Should I be doing (4)

[sandi2]

I mean let's face it, being married has its challenges and everything isn't all roses, you lose that fire that's only found in new relationships (I'm not saying there is no fire in long term M's, just that there's familiarity in M, which is different than new love), and is wanting to love and commit enough to fight of the urge of the high she got?

That is why it is a lot easier to leave the old R and start fresh with a new one. When a couple are both feeling excited and the high of being in love........it is easier. The work comes when the blaze of the fire is gone and you have a pile of ashes. I'm not going to tell anyone it's easy, b/c I don't think it is. Some people may cope better than others, but if they have a successful, happy MR........it is going to take everything they can muster to breathe life back into the M again.

I think it is key that both spouses are working to deal with their individual issues, as well as the issues in the R. I have said that the WW probably has to show a bigger effort on her part......b/c she is the one who was wayward and needs to prove herself trustworthy again.

That's not to say the H has nothing to do from his side of the street. They each have doubts, expectations, fears, etc. That's why I think it is important to find professional family therapy. Otherwise it's like a doctor doing surgery on himself.

From what I have observed, one of the main concerns of the H is if his WW will have desire for him again, or if he will have to settle for a roommate lifestyle. And, I have also noticed that it is extremely common to see that men like to know in advance if his W will get there or not......so he knows how to plan his future. . Many have stated if on,y they could know if things would work out, then they would be happy to do what was necessary, otherwise they wanted to end it and start a new life. It would be nice if we knew in advance.........maybe, IDK. But we dont't know. We have to decide if the time and hard work is worth it..........even if doesn't turn out like we had hoped.

I believe desire can return........or develop. I believe the ages of the couple, their health, their children, family problems, family and work stress, etc., can make some difference in their scale or level of "passion". In other words, they may not feel the fiery blaze of a newlywed. That's not to say they don't desire each other and have a deep love. There are many things to consider in individual cases. I don't think you can really compare one against the other when you are piecing the M back together.

For me, I had to work at it. The desire did not return as long as I resented my H. I was very angry and even bitter, and let me tell you.......a person better have some spiritual belief system to help get them let it go. The more resentment, the harder it is to let it go.

I prayed, and in fear, that God would help me feel the remorse I knew was necessary. You see, intellectually, I knew .................but emotionally, mentally, and/or spiritually, it would not come. It took a long time for me to get there, b/c I had a fierce amount of false pride that held me back, plus my stinking thinking. Anyway, I spent hours every night reading the posts from LBS who were so broken from the WS. Hearing them express their pain and reading about their situations helped me in ways I really don't know how to explain, except to say it gave me a clearer view of what I had done to my H.
When I finally felt true remorse, I swallowed my stupid pride and went to my H with a genuine broken heart and humility for the anguish and pain I had caused him. (I still feel responsible for his health breaking so badly right after the time of discovering my A). It was after I felt remorseful and told my H, that I started to actually feel the love stirring in my heart.

Life will always present challenges, regardless of our age, and how long or short a time we've been together. Life can throw things at us to derail our intimate relationships. That's why we cannot depend upon emotional feelings, alone, to always tell us how another person feels.

"You never reach the point you no longer need to work on your M.........if you want to have a good one". Quote by my grandmother who was M about 65 yrs.