What Should I be doing (4)

[Coconut]

For some WW's, she can sense very quickly if her H is "looking down" on her, or putting himself up a little higher than her. I have seen a few men in past years who had developed a self-righteous attitude. Several even told me that NOTHING was worse than cheating. Nothing??? I can almost guarantee you that a flare of rebellion will surely show itself if your W believes you feel better than her b/c you haven't cheated......and she did. Nobody is without sin!

Sandi, I hesitate to post because I think I support your main point which is how a LBS should act, and common pitfalls. I agree it can bring a marriage down if an LBS feels entitled to cling to resentment or act diminishing towards their feelings.

But while we all have sin, our society recognizes a difference. Murder isn't the same as theft which isn't the same as using your water cup for fountain soda at a fast food joint.

I do think that infidelity is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. Society has softened on this quite a bit and there's a new age attitude going on that infidelity can be a catalyst for both people to grow and take their relationship to the next level. While that is possible, and in his position I root for him in his quest to do just that, I can't join the chorus of voices that minimize the betrayal cheating is.

For me personally I have come a ways on this one. When I started I would've worked through it with XW shortly after BD. Now I'm glad we didn't. I would rather be single for the count than with someone that is capable of cheating. Don't get me started on the 'we're all capable given the right circumstance', it's simply not true. But if I were to even think about working through a betrayal like this, I couldn't even consider it unless I was convinced that WW understood how atrocious it really was. If she had the attitude 'It was a bad relationship and we both made mistakes' when the topic came up that wouldn't work for me. If WW didn't understand that she broke trust and escalated the pain in the relationship in a permanent and devastating way that could never be fully recovered from, and that it was out of bounds by miles, and committed to being a better person that wouldn't ever have cheating in her vocabulary again...well, no go for this guy.

Now, forgiveness is critical. Losing the score keeping is critical. Moving forward. Not bringing it up or lording it over her. Recognizing that while her response was inappropriate that doesn't diminish the validity of her feelings and the pain in her relationship. Working together as a partnership and not with an attitude of 'now I've got you, you'll pay for what you've done and make it up to me'. All good stuff.

But let's do all of this without further contributing to the breakdown of the little that's left in belief in commitment.

By the way Sandi, thank you so much for posting and helping so many for so long. I have been wanting to tell you that, I read all of your posts and am so appreciative for you. I thought I'd better say that now so you knew I was fired up about infidelity, not you!

Zeus, thank you for bringing this up because it has been on my mind, I was so focused on hoping she would recommit to the M that I previously never really thought about her ability to not do it again. Sure I thought about how hard it would be to trust her again, and I felt that if her cup was full of love she wouldn't be likely to do it again, but now that she's recommitted I do wonder if I'm just setting myself up.

I mean let's face it, being married has its challenges and everything isn't all roses, you lose that fire that's only found in new relationships (I'm not saying there is no fire in long term M's, just that there's familiarity in M, which is different than new love), and is wanting to love and commit enough to fight of the urge of the high she got?

I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm just wondering how much of a draw there is to that candy once you've had a taste.

Sandi2, I know you are committed to your H and M, and went through a lot of regret and shame in what you did, but do you find it hard to not want to feel those things again? I'm thinking you don't and am wondering is it because of you, or your love for your H, or the thought of what it would do to your family that keeps you so committed?