continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

A bit of journaling for the day…

I went over my relationship graph about my marriage today with the grief counselor. I 'just' had to tell her the story of my 25 year relationship, both the good and the bad. It wasn't easy relating 22 mostly really good years and then the downward slide over the last 3 years, a slide that confused me at the time and really still does to a large extent. In hindsight I see where H started to disengage and started sneaking around, lying, experimenting with drugs, etc., but at the time I was just in the dark, wondering wtf was going on and why my marriage just felt off and why we kept having these terrible troubles, seemingly out of nowhere.

The next step is to identify categories into which the events fall in terms of emotional incompleteness - were they points with undelivered emotional messages, are they times where I wish I could have apologized, or are they things I need of forgive? Or a mixture of those? None of these "actions" are for H, nor will they be shared with him. They are for me to understand what makes the relationship incomplete for me. It is this feeing of incompleteness that keeps a griever stuck in their grief.

I can't say I totally understand the process right now, but I know that I need to forgive H for his inability to talk to me about what was happening to him and what he needed from me, and on the other hand I need to acknowledge that I wish I had apologized for not being a good enough listener that he could feel safe delivering those messages to me. No, I won't be giving that apology to H, at least not in the foreseeable future unless there is some hope for R. Right now I don't hold out for that anymore.

Honestly, I'm not even sure what I would do if H expressed any interest in R. I'm uncertain, and I'm OK with that uncertainty at the moment. Right now I'm just gathering my strength because whatever comes next will be extremely difficult, no matter what it is. It feels a bit like the calm before the storm, but the storm forecast is unclear. I could get served tomorrow, or I might not hear anything for a long time. Weeks, months? I have no idea, really.

In the meanwhile, I'm just trying to figure out what my new life is going to look like.

So in new GAL activity news:

I am going ice skating on Thursday! Officially it's a Golden Skate for 50+ skaters, but my new friend tells me that they never check IDs, so I'm going! I hope there aren't many people there so that I can do more than just skate in silly circles. I want to practice!! Anyway, I'm looking forward to it and hope my feet won't blister all to pieces. I haven't skated in well over a year.

And instead of yoga on Tuesday, I'm going to a wind quintet concert. I figure after a morning hike with a new acquaintance and then a possible hike on my own after seeing my therapist, that's enough physical stuff for the day. I'm going to put my ears to work, instead!

I still have 6 healthy chicks, so I've got my fingers crossed that the attrition is over. Losing chicks is no fun at all.

Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend!