14 days of sheer hell, part 7

[Zues126]

What I do know, is that all the advice I'm getting is confusing me. Give her freedom, drop her, watch her cheat, focus on yourself. Putting my foot down is the only thing that has had any effect.

You continue to adjust what you are doing based on her responses. If she doesn't respond the way you want, you act differently.

This is very co-dependent, manipulative, and controlling. You are doing it. She is doing it.

We are being consistent with our advice: Let her go, stop trying to control her behavior.

Where some people get confused is they think DBing is nothing more than a strategy of how to behave to get their WAS to return to the marriage. IT IS NOT. DB is a program designed to address OUR HALF of the breakdown of the M to 1) allow an OPPORTUNITY for the relationship to rebuild, and 2) become better people for ourselves if it fails.

If you knew the M was over and there was 0 chance for the future, what would you do? What changes do you think you'd need to make for you? What did you do wrong in the M, and how can you become a better person for you?

I think your first 180 would be to stop trying to control her thoughts, feelings, and behavior. I wouldn't want to live with that, and as long as you continue she won't either. The more you try to control her, even with 'DB methods', the more you push her away.

Where does your need to control come from? What can you do about it?