Life 2.0

[Painter]

Zues, I'm not thinking at all about him changing his behavior in response to anything I do. That wasn't even on my mind. I'm at a point where I am changing rather abruptly from grieving over losing all hope and my lost M and the shock over him moving OW in, to realizing that he is in fact a narcissist and has been all along, and I am lucky to get out because he can't have a real relationship.

Some people are actual narcissists and people who try to understand, analyze and help, get caught up in it.

It explains a lot of what he did over the years, way before OW, way before things started getting really bad. It explains why he answered, when the first year we were married I asked him why it seemed like he treated his ex-wife with more respect than he treated me, 'I'm not afraid of you'. Narcissists only treat people they are afraid of, well.

It explains why he was resentful with his D when she moved in with her BF, and refused to visit her when she asked him. He said she could come to see him - but she didn't have a car so she couldn't. He didn't care, and didn't see her for almost a year.

It also explains why he didn't tell her that OW had moved in before she came to visit, but saved it as a 'surprise'. He knew she would disapprove and wouldn't give her the chance to bow out. He did not care about her feelings at all. It also explains why he thought SD would be happy swapping me out for OW, having no thoughts of the actual emotional connection I have with my SD.

It explains why every time I wanted emotional closeness through the entire M, he reacted with either rage or withdrawal (that's what narcissists do).

It fits with him focusing his energies on negative thoughts - talking badly about others, raging about politics, drivers, not getting the proper respect at work for his superior skills (he does feel he knows more than anyone else and gets enraged if they don't respect his knowledge), etc.

It explains why he seemed to appreciate some part of me while other, seemingly similar parts caused resentment. I just realized that everything he could show off to others, he liked. Any interest I had that took my focus away from him, caused resentment. He says the M started breaking down for him when I went into business for myself.

He has repeatedly expressed jealousy of the pets, that I treated them too well. He says I feel too much. I have too much empathy and care too much about the world.

And it fits with refusing to show me affection while still being angry over not getting his own needs met. And admitting that he was unwilling to compromise on anything. Narcissists are okay with who they are, they don't feel bad about it or want to change.

There's so much more... Have to go to work. I will discuss this with my T but I actually feel a lot of relief right now.