Over the past few months, I've thought a lot about my reasons for picking her. I really loved her as a person; she was smart beautiful and fun. She was my cave diving buddy. How many women will go cave diving with you?
She's actually amazingly competent given the DID (multiple personalities). (DID isn't always as debilitating as it's portrayed in movies and on TV.) It wasn't like she was a walking basket case.
However, I'm the one that "discovered" the DID. She'd originally been diagnosed as bipolar. I was under the illusion that she'd get better and that a lot of her "harder" traits would soften over time. In some respects that did happen, but as with any mental illness, things fluctuate and there can be relapses. I didn't really think that the DID would be problematic in the marriage because I was very willing to be there for her every step of the way. Also, and this is important, I had to assume that she had been sexually abused in her childhood because DID results from relatively early childhood abuse. But, my wife had no memory of the actual abuse; it was all repressed. Bits and pieces came out along the way, but I didn't know the true nature of the abuse until we'd been married at least ten years.
As a mother she was actually pretty good; not great, but good. However, one thing I did find out along the way is that she never really planned on being a mom until we'd gotten married. I know that she was very afraid that she wouldn't be able to have children because of the sexual abuse. I think ultimately she is very happy that she is a mom.
Lastly, yes, I'm certain my self esteem played a role as well. She was someone who was interested in me and I'd always been shy and never a "lady's man." For me it was awesome to have a woman who wanted me. I'd noticed some of her boundary issues early-on; I didn't understand that they were boundary issues at the time, I just knew I didn't like what I saw. However, most of the boundary issues got better over time (until she met the EA guy). Now, knowing that they were boundary issue, I probably wouldn't have married her.
I'm a different person now as well. I'm much less shy and I have much better self esteem. So that's played a role in the EA stuff; I'm not willing to be married to a wife with a boyfriend (even though it's not sexual).
Knowing what I know now, I would not marry her. I think she's a wonderful person with a lot of great qualities, but she's predisposed to ending up in an EA and I'm not going to be a third wheel.
