Running everything through a filter first is designed to protect others, or to protect ourselves from not appearing a certain way to others (more fear). The more thought out your posts are, the less genuine they are? What are you really p'd off about that you are filtering? I am sure you have noticed the lack of filter in my posts. My "wrong" thoughts are right there in the open. Fear of what others think is not part of why I journal. I hope my W never reads the things I have written, or anyone else that I know, but I know I am being honest with myself. I should post this in my thread also I guess.
Here's the part that confuses me... do we filter or share with brutal honestly in a M?
Ok so I will not hit backspace on this post
I will say that I am not a very articulate person. I don't stutter when i talk, but do when I think...I jumble crap up and my thought come off as confusing rather that what I want to say.
I try to Polish these posts to be as suss once as possible but often fall short.
what am i afraid of here...being accepted. dont want to seem wishy washy or indiciaive or weak. here I am not treated as an outcast or a fraud. even my brothers over the years have cast me aside from time to time because I am not the same as them. I've tried to get into the same activities as them to build something...but it always wore thin.
I know they love me. they just don't want to enjoy the same activites as me, so we don't hang out as much as I would like. part of that is me, i know.
I don't want to talk too much about my mother, I've accepted she is overbearing and i no longer allow her bullcrap drama to get to me. I actually have spent more time with her in last year than whole adult life...detach emotionally, accept that a scorpion is a scorpion and nothing I will ever do can change that...right.
my dad, his acceptance is something is strove for for years and never felt like I got it. is he proud, i am sure...I just never heard it from him. not when I labored on study as a kid, or get a job at 14, academics, athletics, work, college two degrees in 5 years with multiple part time jobs, my life in general..never seemed to make a dent.
last 4th of July we were together at my summer cottage in Michigan. we had been drinking all day...I laid into my parents pretty hard about thier 'acceptance' of me and my brothers and the relationships over the years. they were both crying pretty hard. never saw my dad cry like that in my whole life.
since then, mom and dad have been making a real effort to try to see each of us 4 boys and our kids more and be present, letting crap go...working on rebuilding relationships with daughters in law...all that.
I am getting stronger, for sure. I will continue to draw strength from you guys...from my kids and from the knowledge that I deserve to be treated better.
