sr9, sad to see another M crumbling with something that seems like an easy fix. I am sorry to hear about your story.
Whether you file for D should be considered heavily. Is it necessary to protect your assets, your finances, and especially D1? If not, if you are doing fine with all of those things, then maybe you do not need to. It is expensive, painful, a lot of work. You can set boundaries without D.
I would think you would "tell him" the rules of the separation. Set up a firm time for visiting D1, and H either sticks to it or misses out.
Some of the more experienced people on here will have to help with what healthy boundaries for you may look like. I would imagine you would say that you don't want to have any R talks at all until he chooses a direction, he doesn't need constant temp checks to decide what he wants. Maybe establish some rules of what he would need to work on before R talks can begin, be it MC or IC or other?
Many others on here are stuck in limbo, but I believe you still have some choices that you can make right now, for self protection as well as preserving self esteem.
Document everything, just in case things get ugly later. Gather documents on assets and all accounts, and put them in a safety deposit box. Take pictures of everything you own before it starts disappearing.
