First post - Need help!!

[MoveFrwd]

She's only slipping away due to your perspective.

Do you think pursuing will draw her to you?

[Jb9140]

I've been trying to show her from afar for the past 5 weeks and she appears to be slipping further and further away.

I've been focusing on myself and one of my biggest changes is the fact I've lost 28lb in weight and I know she's noticed it because she's made comment but this has had no affect.

5 weeks is nothing in her mind, the weight loss is from stress not a healthy diet. Tell me if I'm wrong. Listen to the vets, you're not going to talk your way out of this I'm afraid. Read the book and follow Sandis rules. Yes that was a 2x4, sorry

[RSG]

Like you've been told, your not gonna be able to say something that will give her a come to Jesus moment, you will need to show her through your actions (GAL, be confident, validate her, detach), if she feels like your happy and she might lose you, that's when she will be most attracted to you.

To be honest, this is one thing that scares me in my situation. My wife wants my son to have 2 happy parents. If she sees me happy on my own, she might think she was right to walk away. That we're better for him apart than together.

I do definitely agree that actions speak louder than words. And that the best thing to do, difficult though it is (I'm doing the same thing right now) is to improve yourself.

[Coconut]

Look, she can't just lose all love for you, she's not a robot... the best relationships are those that both people are happy with themselves and choose to share that happiness with each other...

She's not gonna see you happy and think she should stay away from you so you stay that way.. She's gonna be drawn in by your happiness, wanna share that with you, a happy you is a sexy you...

If it seems counter intuitive, it's most likely the right thing to do... My sitch has turned around, and I can pinpoint the exact time that it turned, my W and S were watching tv during on the couch having a lazy weekend and I was out on the patio... I decided it was a great day and decided I wanted to go to the beach, I told them where I was going and told them they were welcome to come (I was upbeat and excited to have a fun day) they were being lazy so I packed up and headed out within 10 mins. I was at the beach for about 4 hours and came home in a great mood, that was the first day my wife was drawn to me, because she saw how happy I was with myself...

I can't stress to you enough, a truly happy confident you will be the most attractive you to her. But it's not about her, it's about you, if that makes sense.. Don't do it for her, how she reacts shouldn't change your happiness, do it for you and really be happy.

[RSG]

Look, she can't just lose all love for you, she's not a robot... the best relationships are those that both people are happy with themselves and choose to share that happiness with each other...

She's not gonna see you happy and think she should stay away from you so you stay that way.. She's gonna be drawn in by your happiness, wanna share that with you, a happy you is a sexy you...

If it seems counter intuitive, it's most likely the right thing to do... My sitch has turned around, and I can pinpoint the exact time that it turned, my W and S were watching tv during on the couch having a lazy weekend and I was out on the patio... I decided it was a great day and decided I wanted to go to the beach, I told them where I was going and told them they were welcome to come (I was upbeat and excited to have a fun day) they were being lazy so I packed up and headed out within 10 mins. I was at the beach for about 4 hours and came home in a great mood, that was the first day my wife was drawn to me, because she saw how happy I was with myself...

I can't stress to you enough, a truly happy confident you will be the most attractive you to her. But it's not about her, it's about you, if that makes sense.. Don't do it for her, how she reacts shouldn't change your happiness, do it for you and really be happy.

Gotcha! I mean, that makes sense. I guess I just needed validation lol.

[KyleR]

I relapsed today and fear I've caused more harm then good and ruined all chance.

She phoned me regarding childcare and I could help talking about us. I told her that we could have a bright and happy future if we just fight for it, I said all marriages have ups and downs and we can't just bolt at the first hurdle. All I got from her was "I don't want it" and "I've already fought". She said any attempts to fix it will just cause more pain in the long run.

I'm such an idiot!

[SH_]

Kyle my friend.

You have not ruined all chance.

This is a setback.

Yes, trying to have a talk about the R is not a good thing, but trust me, it is not the straw that breaks the camels back.

Take a deep breath.
Pull yourself together.
Reset.
And re read and commit to follow the rules for Dbing.
There is still much work for you to do.

But take this next piece advice very literally and seriously.

Stay focused on you.
This is key to every aspect of your future relationships.
There is nothing you can do to convince her or change her. That is for her to do.
You must change you and only doing that for you will make the changes permanent.

Learn form your mistakes and move forward. You have only failed if you do not get up and try again.

You got this.

[MoveFrwd]

I agree with SadHub. Youve caused more unnecessary harm, but nothing is FINAL. When you get a bruise, does it always stay bruised? The key is to learn from it.

I told her that we could have a bright and happy future if we just fight for it, I said all marriages have ups and downs and we can't just bolt at the first hurdle.

Think about how your words treat her feelings.

She says "I feel hurt and sad and tired and I want to leave."
You say "It's normal. We can do better."

You are essentially telling her that you dont care about her feelings. That her feelings arent important to you.

How can you better validate? EVen if you dont agree with her feelings, they are hers, and hers alone. And that means that they are correct and valid.

[KyleR]

She just sent me the following text:

This isn't something that we can work through Kyle. I'm beyond that point, I don't want a relationship that I have to fight for. It isn't what I want and it would be unfair of me to pretend otherwise.
I'd like to draw a line under things and move on without all of this, constantly bringing things back up. Please.

[EDF]

It's unreasonable to expect anyone to navigate through these sorts of situations perfectly, so don't beat yourself up too much about it

We're generally starting from a fundamentally broken state and doing everything that needs to be done in terms of detaching, GAL, reading the books, etc takes time. It's a process, and learning from new mistakes as you go is part of the process.

Just really think on it and try to really internalize that Relationship talk will not have any positive effect whatsoever. Avoid big dramatic Relationship talks like the plague.