I posted this in Zephyr's thread, thought I should put it here also for myself or others following my thread:
Zephyr, I hear you about conditioning from dealing with your mother. Living with my parents has sure been an eye opener for me. Every discussion with my mother results in her having extreme anger, spewing hate at me, etc. The next day she'll tell me how she agrees with everything I said. WTF? I ask her to stop hovering, she can't. I ask her to stop interfering with my children, she can't. This feels so familiar, I realize that has been the trend my entire life. This is what caused me to be who I am.
These patterns repeated in my M. What causes us to either retaliate in anger (aka fear) like I do, or back down in fear like you do? Patterns in our M, or patterns from our parents? Then, did we marry our mother or father? They fit our life so well because they are a photocopy of the dysfunction we are used to experiencing?
I have the opposite end, but same problem. My W learned to not trust me because of the anger, or because I tried to fix her. Neither extreme works. Being open, honest, AND most of all calm I think is the solution? It takes all 3 at the same time to be effective?
I have a theory I shared with my brother the other day. When someone vents without thinking, whether writing or talking or yelling, their true feelings come out. I have noticed this in text messages I used to get from W. I know her well, I can read a text that she wrote, and know that even though she was terrible at sharing, when she did share, what she wrote was genuine, that she didn't ever filter anything. Her lack of empathy or lack of intelligence or whatever was the issue, prevented her from having a filter. Her perception is way off from the norm, way off from logic, but still genuine. Her method of response is extremely hurtful (the OFP is a prime example), but still the "right thing to do" from her perspective.
Running everything through a filter first is designed to protect others, or to protect ourselves from not appearing a certain way to others (more fear). The more thought out your posts are, the less genuine they are? What are you really p'd off about that you are filtering? I am sure you have noticed the lack of filter in my posts. My "wrong" thoughts are right there in the open. Fear of what others think is not part of why I journal. I hope my W never reads the things I have written, or anyone else that I know, but I know I am being honest with myself. I should post this in my thread also I guess.
Here's the part that confuses me... do we filter or share with brutal honestly in a M?
