WAS or what (6)

[SH_]

It is a pleasure to help you roist, your journey has been a long one and I am learning from guys like you as I read their stories.

I will keep checking in with you, cheering you on, sharing my successes and stumbles, so we can make this journey a successful one.

God has a plan for us, we just need to take the steps.

Gave a fine day, my friend. You deserve it.

[roist]

One thing I got from this mornings listenings is that my W is not trying to make me suffer. She is doing the best she can with her situation.This I believe to be true. It really does help to realise that. This in no way belittles how we are being treated, but does help how it affects us.

How we let things affect us is one of the key things I picked up on this journey.It really is a choice. It is not easy but is within our control. I try as much as possible to act in accordance to my beliefs/plan as much as possible regardless of how I feel or how W is. Except where disrespect is concerned I stand up to that and will act accordingly.

My greatest comfort is my greatest source of discomfort.My W. I will cake eat and appreciate what I have until I have become who I wantto be. Then we'll see about us. Also one of the things that gives me hope is also one that makes me lose hope, I.e. how long this has lasted.

I choose to be optimistic, though realistically so.

[SH_]

roist, I just want to say thank you.
I have been in a weird place and struggling to have any emotions take shape, yet I feel them just under the surface. Yet as I was jogging this morning, it hit me. I have been stuck in this mode of blaming. That is what I have been focused on.
I have found that I am blaming her for every little thing.
Blame for our current situation.
Blame for the pain she is causing me, my daughters, herself.
I am blaming her for things in the past, for things in the future, basically I am laying blame at her feet for everything.
And then I read your post below. It hit me hard, because I know you are right.

She is not trying to hurt me. She is trying to escape her own hurt. Part of focusing on me and making myself better is to take responsibility for how I let things affect me. To honor her struggle. To stay in my lane. To be the lighthouse.

Thank you again for sharing such words of wisdom and a reminder for me this day.

One thing I got from this mornings listenings is that my W is not trying to make me suffer. She is doing the best she can with her situation.This I believe to be true. It really does help to realise that. This in no way belittles how we are being treated, but does help how it affects us.

How we let things affect us is one of the key things I picked up on this journey.It really is a choice. It is not easy but is within our control. I try as much as possible to act in accordance to my beliefs/plan as much as possible regardless of how I feel or how W is. Except where disrespect is concerned I stand up to that and will act accordingly.

My greatest comfort is my greatest source of discomfort.My W. I will cake eat and appreciate what I have until I have become who I wantto be. Then we'll see about us. Also one of the things that gives me hope is also one that makes me lose hope, I.e. how long this has lasted.

I choose to be optimistic, though realistically so.

[Cadet]

Cadet,

Can I have your reading of my situation and what you would suggest? I value everyone's opinion here but I'd really appreciate your views.

I also wanted to ask how much work is involved in temporarily unhidding my earlier threads? I am not sure I want to but maybe by looking back I can evaluate better my path. I am interested in particular to compare my early goals/actions to now. Will be interesting to see if I have really made the changes I wanted to. Though part of me does not want to be reminded of how bad I was at handling my situation.

Yes I totally missed your post thanks for alerting me.|
I will read up on your thread later and post my thoughts later.

It is not too much trouble to move your threads back to this board there are 3 of them.
Just notify me and I can do it.

[roist]

No worries. With the years you have spent on the forum plus your extracurricular studying/reading I value your insight. Also do you know of any of similar long duration limbo without a real BD or separation?

I'll get back to you about temporarily bringing back my first few threads. Thanks

You may need a few questions to clarify my situation as I have not mentioned W etc that much in recent months.

[Cadet]

OK - It has taken me all day to read through this thread and I really wanted to go back and read the others, especially the hidden ones to see if I could uncover anything else.
The reason it has taken so long is that I have been busy at work, and do this when the phone is not ringing or I do not have to moderate a newbie. So it has nothing to do with your thread.

First thing I will give you,
is that helping you to raise your children it might help if you look up
Erik Erikson who invented the Stages of Human Development.
This is what children are suppose to learn at different ages.
It is 8 stages and includes 3 stages of adulthood.
So 5 stages as a child.

As far as your relationship goes.
Sounds like your wife is in early menopause/perimenopause .

This could take years to complete and and she has to decide that
she wants to FIX herself, no differently than you and me.

My experience is that when things progress slowly and not as much high energy is
going on this whole process takes even longer.
So I guess I can only advise that you continue doing what you are working
on and at some point decide what you will and will not accept in your marriage.

If I have time later I will post some more.
However I am going to have a very busy weekend coming up so
maybe not.

[roist]

Thank you Cadet. I appreciate the time you dedicated to my request.I am not spinning nor am I going anywhere soon. So do what you have to do and enjoy your weekend.You can get back to me afterwards if you come up with anything else.

Yes my W seems to be at menopause/perimenopause.Looking at how that can affect a woman was already on my to do list, but I have been concentrating more on me lately. I will look this up though.Thanks for highlighting it.

I will definitely check out those stages of development
I have come across briefly some aspects of development and was a logical addition to what I have been concentrating on.

I have a pretty clear idea of what I want my M to look like and what is acceptable or not. I am accepting much less for the moment. I am also not accepting certain behavior that unconsciously or consciously I let slip in the past.

Anyway. Thank you for this and for everything you do here. Enjoy your weekend

[Zephyr]

morning buddy, the developmental stages are extraordinary concepts.

it helps us see almost exactly where a person emotionally stop developing due to crap that happened during childhood.

it is also a great way tof focus on treating kids thier age (more or less).

I love where you are going with all of this and I love that you are giving your wife the grace to sort things out.

I know this has been hard for you...missing touch, the companionship and the trust...not only in her but her trusting you.

you are standing for her despite all of that and as a man I say thank you for being strong.

I am also glad you are bringing back your old posts...I wanted to go back last week and reread them all too.

have a great weekend.

[Cadet]

Your request has been granted

[roist]

Thank you Cadet.I'll go through them when I can set aside a good block of time. Hope your weekend was good.