Chapter 2, She moved out - I win! I think

[SH_]

SadHub:

Thanks for your post. There is no question I am suffering from extensive confusion. I really like the practical/physical. It gives me a real sense of accomplishment which makes me feel great and boosts my confidence. I love giving the impression to everyone that I'm busy, focused, achieving, etc. Sometimes I even believe it.

bigy keep up with the things you are doing if it boosts your confidence. This is a good thing. This is for you. Keep that as your focus.

I've accomplish so much since the fall of 2015 - it's almost scary and yes it tick's the W off which I kinda enjoy. There are two moments that I savor.

1) She said - Why are you doing all these house projects now - how come you did not do them when it could have made a difference.

2) On Saturday before she left she said: Your work outs are paying off you look very defined.

This is for her. This is the part that you want to remove the focus from.

As you point out - It seems that I have been doing them for her as much as I have been doing them for me.

Perfect. You recognize it. This is a good step needed in order to detach.

So for now I'll claim to be the winner:

I have my house, my 3 kids, a fab body, a motorcycle, new skills (cooking, etc) - so I should be attractive to someone.

You will be attractive to someone if you keep it up. This is a key aspect for Dbing. If you made these changes for her, they will not stick. If you made these changes for you, they can become permenent and then you will be the person only a fool would leave, and my addition to this, you will be the person that attracts the persons that you deserve.

Now I need to set the boundaries and keep her from ruining my progress.

No one can ruin your progress but you. Boundaries are about respect, not progress. Progress happens if you are doing the right things for you.
Boundaries are so that she does not violate your emotional space, your position as a father or man of the house as well as to protect her from jumping over the edge so to speak with you.

Here is the catch. I believe God brought us together. We both messed it up (I'll take much of the blame). And now I need to trust that God has a plan for me that will give my more than I could possibly imagine. So I won't date.

I too believe God has a plan and when we have faith, and do our best, he can guide us. I am learning that sometimes he will reveal the plan after we do the work, and that is why I am focused on living in the moment, because the future will be bright, it just may not look like I imagine it. Your faith and belief is a great thing and I see it in your story and admire your faith and work.

So in the meantime - my mind is my worst enemy. I need to figure out how to detach - without developing a hard heart like hers.

I completely understand where you are coming from about the mind being our enemy. I live that each day. As you continue your efforts and research on how to win that war, you will be better for it. It will be a challenge, but when you conquer this, you will be that person a fool would leave.
Research detachment, study it, and practice. Detachment, does not mean you stop loving her, nor develop a hard heart. You can detach and still be kind and loving. You just won't be affected by her actions, and your actions will be due to being the strong confident man you want to be.

Even if she does not come back, etc, etc. I'll still be very happy with the progress I've made.
How does that sound?

Detach and you will be happy no matter what decision she makes. This will be because your happiness comes from within.

It all sounds good. You are on the right path, and I believe that if you put the same effort you have been giving you will arrive at the point of being the man, only a fool would leave.
Keep it up big!! You have made great progress and you are an example for many that join us here.