First things first, stop whatever you're doing and take a deep breath. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but since you are I believe this is a great place to be, with a lot of knowledge on this board. Have you got The book DR yet? Have you started reading the homework that Cadet has posted? I'm sure you're head is spinning right now, almost everyone's is in the beginning.
Stick to the boards, and try to take this ! hour at a time for right now. Remember , Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
What you need to focus on right now, is what you are able to control, which is yourself. Be the best man you can be. Read all those links from cadet in the post after your first. A lot of good info on there.
And I know its hard right now, but do your best to keep your emotions in check. Reading and learning will help that greatly.
I was 100% certain my wife of 17 years wasn't that kind of person, until I found evidence otherwise. Just be cautious.
My wife also told me nice things, even after affair was revealed, about how I was such a great guy and she knew she would never find anyone better, yadda yadda. Posting pictures of us together on facebook, while secretly emailing OM. The reality is regardless of what is actually going on behind the scenes (Mid-life crisis, or affair, or whatever) the Wife is unfortunately not the same person you married at the moment.
Focus on improving yourself and doing what you need to make you happy regardless of how things go with the wife, and buckle up for the roller coaster ride, friend!
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
Sadly, your wife is following a bit of a script. It isn't unusual for the spouse that wants out of the marriage to rewrite history and speak in absolutes. Everyone here says it and it is so true that you can't believe any of what she says and only 1/2 of what she does.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Kyle, I certainly can't relate to your situation. But, my wife just told me a few days ago she's done and has moved to a friend's house. She won't talk about the situation and says counseling is too late. I was devastated. I cried for hours every day whether my son was with me or not. I read a book on Separation yesterday and haven't cried since. My Divorce Remedy book should be ready for me to pick up in a couple days, but I've already set goals, determined not to "bug" my wife about our status, keep messages strictly about our son (as much as possible) and promised myself I'd do the hard work to let her find herself. That's the hardest part really. They've wronged you, but you have to wait for them to figure our how they feel.
Others know WAY more than I do, but determining you're going to work hard for yourself and family is the best thing to do. If you give up, it'll show her she probably should leave. That's the impression I get from everything I read. Here, in other books, blogs, etc.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I have read through the links and have not picked up a copy of DR yet.
I'm ashamed to say it but I have done my homework on my wife over the past 5 weeks and there is no suspicious activity, her phone records are clean, emails are fine and I believe nothing untoward on her FB. She is home with my children 12 nights in 14 and is spending the majority of those nights with mutual friends or family going to see her.
Tonight I've convinced myself that for too long I had placed my wife on a pedestal and gave her everything she ever wanted and this needs to end. I feel like going to see her and give her a few home truths with the hope it might make her snap out of it. I think it will shock her to see that side of me as I'm normally so passive.
Tonight I've convinced myself that for too long I had placed my wife on a pedestal and gave her everything she ever wanted and this needs to end. I feel like going to see her and give her a few home truths with the hope it might make her snap out of it. I think it will shock her to see that side of me as I'm normally so passive.
No amount of reasoning or "truth" is going to do anything good for you. Mostly because they are only truths to you. The way she sees the world is her own truth right now. So forcing your truth on her is invalidating and will be met with much resistance. Show her in ACTIONS not in WORDS.
As for OM....try to take your focus of it. Just don't be surprised if one turns up.
Kyle, while your reading through everything, focus on how to treat a WAW (no Affair), as it is different than you would treat a WW (affair). Like you've been told, your not gonna be able to say something that will give her a come to Jesus moment, you will need to show her through your actions (GAL, be confident, validate her, detach), if she feels like your happy and she might lose you, that's when she will be most attracted to you.
I'm so sorry your going through this, know that we've all been where you are and are here to listen when you need to talk... Take care of yourself and you will come out the other side a better man.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I've been trying to show her from afar for the past 5 weeks and she appears to be slipping further and further away.
I've been focusing on myself and one of my biggest changes is the fact I've lost 28lb in weight and I know she's noticed it because she's made comment but this has had no affect.
