I ponder way too much, about my part in the demise of the M. I just can't find the pieces to fit them together properly. We were just so... what's the word? Absent? We didn't talk to each other that much, we barely tried. We'd talk about day to day stuff, but I wonder if we both avoided some things because we knew it would go bad if we discussed it. Who made it go bad? I don't know.
It's frustrating, the things that she has done lately are not thought out at all, and every time I hear something like that, reminds me of what life was like. I keep listing the things I am frustrated about it, but I still want her back. I don't get it! I wonder if I am just trying too hard to convince myself I'll be better off without her, trying too hard to detach.
I know I can't help her with anything... I do want her to realize, grow, and come back. I think? Rock bottom sounds like a critical part of that path, and is the only reason I am hoping it is coming soon. Quite a few people now have told me they think she'll come back. Will I want that person when she returns? I need to stop trying to answer that question too I guess.
I love going to IC most of the time. I wish sometimes IC listened to me more, gave less advice. She is blunt, maybe that is good. Seems she doesn't totally get "me" but I don't know if I want to start over with someone else. Some of her advice is stufff I already know and/or doesn't seem pertinent. Seems 1 hour a week is not enough, every once in a while her next appt will cancel and I get 2 hours, that is much better.
