Your right. Our perceptions are so different. It's easy to look back and say hey, "spouses behavior is pretty abusive" and certainly "my behavior was pretty abusive" and it really is sad how badly we can treat the person we love and committed ourselves to. (I still have to find zues' card analogy for you. It's really touching. I remember crying when I read it. I Will try to do so later or tomorrow night) the only thing you really can do is examine the issues that she was upset about and determine whether or not they are things you should be working on. For yourself and for your next relationship (with her or someone new)
Maybe list them out here.
At the same time you have to recognize things your wife could do that are dangerous to you (like orders of protection) and be prepared to prevent them. Vanillas advice is amazing regarding this topic. And I am sure she could help you with any questions. Important to be educated regarding this.
One thing I can say, is that you have to stop focusing on all the things she is doing that you find "stupid". She is her own person and is going to make her own choices regardless of whether they are up to a certain level of intellect. This is a really insulting way of referring to the person that you married. It would be like calling your spouse ugly. Instead, try to look at her choices objectively and then if you disagree figure out how to handle it appropriatly, but also with your childrens interests at heart... Through an attorney, appropriate communication etc.
You guys are no longer a team unit so helping her reach rock bottom or helping her to become a better person is not your responsibility right now. Helpe yourself become a better person.
I am not really sure of how to handle codependency. In my relationship, husband and I led completely separate lives so this was not really an issue for me. In fact him leaving, did not really change my life in the slightest so I think I am mentally having an easier time then others. I know there are books out there. Are you comfortable sharing with the board? I know many people on here have coped with this as well and might be able to help.
I only tried a little bit of counseling and I didn't love it. My main issue is anxiety and obsessive thoughts. I am someone that doesn't even like to take Advil, so meds were not an option for me either. I began to recognize that my thoughts regarding husband (anger thoughts, thoughts of him cheating) were more obsessive in nature then anything else. So I went to 4 sessions with a hypnotherapist. I am completely amazed at the way it worked for me. She basically just talked to me. It was almost like meditation but a lot easier. Again, I cannot believe how nicely it helped me even with other things like school shootings and potential illnesses. I never thought it possible, but I actually no longer care if there is another woman because that's about him, not me. (And I was REALLY devastated by this obsessive thought) and doesn't affect my life in the slightest.
